Defeat of the Monster

The darkness weighs heavy.  The silence, almost deafening. You step out into the sunlight only to find that the world you once knew, gone. Darkness distorts the landscape and faces encircling you. You begin walking, looking for something familiar only to find that you have stumbled into a world far from the one you once lived.

Familiarity and safety have evaporated into lingering moments of fear and isolation. Before you drifted off to sleep the night before, the world appeared normal. However, during the night, while you slept, something happened.  Everything changed.

While you slept, he slithered from under your bed and began to gnaw away at any semblance of normalcy you once knew.  The hiss of his lies filled the ears of the eagerly awaiting crowds as they devoured away at the gossip that allowed them to forget their own troubles for the moment. Suspicion and judgement crept into their minds as darkness began to make its way into the world you once lived.

And now, here you stand, alone and unable to recognize the landscape where you once found safety.  Everything has changed. The monster surfaced while you slept and succeeded with his plan to kill and destroy anything daring to step into his path.

This is your life. As you stand in horror and watch it begin to crumble you hear their shouts of betrayal.  “Slanderer, Glutton, Unfit Mother, Adulterer, Drug Addict, Alcoholic!” Their chant rings through the streets as you stand in silence and disbelief.

While you were sleeping, sides were taken.  You never even stood a chance.  Defeat was determined the moment the monster spoke.

Standing alone, the cold trickle of betrayal makes its presence known. You part your lips to speak only to realize no one is listening. The hour of escape has passed.  Your moment of being heard, long gone.

But then, you hear a sound.  A faint whisper. You turn, searching for the object of its origin. But nothing. The words barely audible. You close your eyes and focus. You stand and wait.

The noise of the crowd is maddening. The chaos is crippling. If the noise would only stop, if even for just a moment. And then, it happens. That voice, you hear it again.  It is as if you have been picked up and placed miles away from the crowd. The silence is beautiful as the melodic words fill the air.  Warmth invades your heart as you hear, “You are Mine. I have you!”

The voice is undeniable. You recognize the love, and the peace as the words fall over you. The sound of His voice offers hope to the anxious feelings of your heart as you realize, He is here!

The monster will not win.  Victory does not belong to those who seek evil. Yes, the monster will create chaos and leave a wake of destruction in his path, but he cannot destroy you. 

You, my darling sister, are a daughter of the King.  He holds you in His mighty hand and covers you with the feathers of His faithfulness and love.  The darkness that surrounds you is only temporary.  Yes it is dark and cold but it has a purpose.  God has a plan.  He is going to use you.  He is going to raise you up.  He is going to take every broken piece that the monster has destroyed and restore it. But not just restore it.  He is going to redeem your story and give you wings that will allow you to soar above the chaos and see His hand at work. 

My darling sister, it will take time.  It will be difficult. This kind of transformation is never easy but the reward will be great.  You will witness the power of God hand in a way that you never thought possible.  You might not witness the demise of your monster but you will be in the hands of the most High and you will experience His love, His grace and His faithfulness in  way that will change you forever. 

Hold on tight my beloved sister. Your journey has just begun.  The road will be rocky and the storms will rage but when the sun appears, you will know, you have been rescued!

Who will back me up when evildoers come against me?
    Who is willing to take my side against the wicked?
 If the Eternal had not come to my rescue,
    my soul would have descended to the land where death silences every voice.
When I said, “My foot is slipping!”

    Your unfailing love, O Eternal One, held me up.
When anxiety overtakes me and worries are many,
    Your comfort lightens my soul.

But the Eternal has been my citadel;
    my God, a sure safe haven.

Psalm 94:16-19, 22

Reflecting on the ruins....

Reflection...I often find myself reflecting as I drive. This past Tuesday was no exception.

I was driving, my daughter in the passenger seat, Glorious Ruins blaring on the radio, us singing at the top of our lungs, tears flowing as we worshiped together. It was amazing. It was therapeutic. But shouldn't have been?

For the past few days, I've felt like I was floundering. Like I'd jumped too high out of that amazing stream of tranquil water that typically leaves me full of peace but this time, I'm left gasping for air.

I had become my own worst enemy as my thoughts and emotions took over leading me to believe I was doomed. I was going to fail. I was going to die.

I felt totally alone and in fact, I thought I was. I was without hope and with no one to rescue me. I really had myself believing that life as I knew it was over.  Certainty of my impending doom left me stranded and believing I would never make my way back into the flow of His peace and blessing.

And then these words grabbed my heart...(click to hear Glorious Ruins: Hillsong)

Let the ruins come to life
In the beauty of Your name
Rising up from the ashes
God forever You reign

And my soul will find refuge
In the shadow of Your wings
I will love You forever
And forever I'll sing

Glorious Ruins: Hillsong

With those words, God once again began to breath life into my floundering, exhausted soul. Suddenly the fight, the feelings of wanting to give up, quickly subsided as He reminded me of the refuge found in Him. The safety and comfort that comes from resting in the peace of His mighty wings.

I have walked through fire before and His story of love and grace carried me through that fire but I had forgotten. I had lost sight of Him, of His truth.

Though daily, the enemy relentlessly tries to beat me down through an extensive list of avenues hoping I'll forget God's goodness while attempting to destroy my faith, leaving me to doubt the significant and unfailing love of my Daddy.  But each of those moments left doubting His love while questioning my worth are just wasted moments. He is always patiently waiting, wanting, longing for me to step into His glorious presence.

But in the end, He always brings the ruins back to life. And because of Him, I can hold my head high. Because of Him, each and every failure is lost because of that day when Jesus took His place upon the cross. And in that moment, that selfless sacrifice He made upon the cross is perfect example of the unconditional and amazing love of Jesus. And on those days, when I've waited too long to spend time with Him, He picks me up, wipes away the tears and He not only places me back in the streams of His mercy and grace but He breaths life back into my weary soul once again.

How enduring is God's loyal love;

the Eternal has inexhaustible compassion.

Here they are, every morning, new!

Your faithfulness, God, is as broad as the new day.

Lamentations 3:22-23

An open letter to the leaders who cast us aside

Originally published on Give Her Wings

This letter is for those in church leadership who cast us aside when we needed you the most.  For those in leadership who were duped by those who used you the way in which they used us. For those leaders whose spiritual abuse left us broken and doubting.

You see, you were fooled into believing whatever story they wanted to spin. A pawn in their disturbing game of  control and manipulation. Without a second thought, you listened to their stories, accepted every tear, and acknowledged their “I’m sorry” as genuine repentance.

You chose to distance yourself from reality, the darkness covering our home.  You avoided the opportunity to investigate further into the truth, to invest more deeply in the lives affected, but instead, chose the bliss of ignorance and the ease of assumption.  You were swayed by gossip and lies, and you ignored the warning of Scripture not to judge a matter without hearing all parties (Proverbs 18:13). You foolishly assigned blame apart from the facts.  Apart from knowledge.  Apart from relationship.

For some, as leaders, your pride stood in the way of pursuing the truth.  A need to protect your persona and the image of a building prohibited you from doing the difficult stuff.  From failing to investigate the truth from fiction or taking the necessary steps to defend those lost within such a dark situation, your lack of concern left us broken and crushed while doubting our faith.

For those leaders who dismissed us as being excessive in our sensitivity or reluctant to submit to the headship of our husband, this letter is for you.  For those who accused of us doing something that caused the abuse or by telling us we needed to have more sex with our spouse, this too is for you.  And for those who repeatedly told us, “Your spouse is not the enemy.  Do not allow the real enemy to destroy your family,” your words only served to aid the abuser in destroying us in even greater ways.

Understand, we were fully aware of the true enemy and to this day because of shared children, we still face our enemy on a daily basis.  You see, for us, our spouse was and remains the enemy.  He was a man being used by the true enemy to oppress, berate, demean and abuse.  Our spouse spoke the name of Jesus to those he needed to impress, but his actions, the actions we witnessed, confirmed otherwise.

For us, it took time to wrap our heads around the truth of our situation.  For us, all we could hear were your accusing words informing us we were the problem.  No matter how many prayers we prayed, questions we asked, counseling sessions we attended, we were not fighting hard enough or praying loud enough.  You left us burdened by the weight of our heartache and believing we were the cause.

As if the despair we felt for our decaying family was not enough, you heaped sorrow upon our suffering while drenching our open wounds with feelings of guilt and shame.  And then you handed our abuser the match leaving him to devour what was left of our broken spirits.

But God!  You see, He steps in when others walk away.  Truthfully, He never leaves, but instead, because of those thundering opinions around us, we often lose track of His voice.  However, rest assured, when He speaks, He calms the storm and reminds us exactly who is in charge and who wrote The Book.

He reminds us that abusers live in a consistent pattern of sin which according to scripture, means they are not a Christian.  Instead, a true Christian is one who struggles with sin, yet hates it and pursues forgiveness from God.  This is not the way of our abuser.  Numerous passages speak to this truth.  Here are a few.Psalm 50:16-22, John 13:34-35, Romans 8:3-9.

For those in leadership, the ones who have been given charge over the sheep, to each pastor and elder who walked hand in hand professing to the do the work of God, hear our voices as we beg of you, please educate yourself.

With that said, if you as leaders are striving to accomplish what God has called you to, please, do not demand that we return to our abuser.  As a shepherd, your job becomes that of protecting your sheep, especially the weak ones, which means not sending us back to the wolf.  And by all means, refrain from using Matthew 18 as a way to manipulate us into doing it your way.  More often than not, this passage lacks relevancy to our situation for the reason that our abuser is not a Christian.  See 1 John 3:6-10.

So it is not hard to figure out who are the children of God and who are the children of the diabolical one: those who lack right standing and those who don’t show love for one another do not belong to God.

1 John 3:10

As the Body of Christ, it should be your mission to protect those who have been harmed by abuse.  1 Corinthians 12 speaks of the Body of Christ saying that if one member of the body hurts, all members hurt.  The church should be a safe haven for victims and not a place of safe hiding for the evilness of the prowling wolf leaving the broken sheep to scatter.

As leadership you should understand the strategy of the wolf.  His gameplay of fake repentance.  The tears he will shed, the walks to the altar at the conclusion of a service for all to see.  He will play you. 

However, until you witness true repentance, repentance that involves claiming his actions instead of blaming his victim or minimizing his own actions, requesting genuine spiritual accountability, seeking out the service of a true professional in the psychiatric field, you should stay away.

Now understand, we as survivors realize God can change anyone.  That there are men who have repented and now walk with Jesus. Nevertheless, we need you to understand this, a man must be willing to submit to God and allow God to transform his heart.  A simple prayer asking for forgiveness through streaming tears, which we have witnessed thousands of times, does not confirm that change.

In conclusion, I leave you, the church leadership who cast us aside, with these words, be aware of the problem.  Understand the countless facets of domestic and spiritual abuse.  Do your research. Become educated.

And for the lives of the precious children involved, do not counsel couples where claims of abuse are made.  Instead, admit to your lack of training in this area and work with these couples in seeking out those qualified and trained to diagnose and counsel those in need of dealing with this growing problem found in our churches.

And to those who were cast aside, God is good.  He is faithful.  He will envelope us with His love and shower us with His grace.  Just trust His hand and allow His voice alone to lead.

With love,

Those who’ve been enveloped by His love

An open letter to those who left us behind

This letter is a difficult one to write as the betrayal and the heartache you added to our lives was unexpected causing  greater pain to overcome.

Realize, when the time came to leave, we expected nothing less than what we experienced from our abuser.  We had lived with them long enough that we understood their behavior and had an idea of the firestorm we would face.

Yes, they caught us off guard at times because no one would have ever guessed what great lengths they would take to win. However, those who rallied around them, left us speechless. For each of you, the forgiveness and feelings of anger will take longer to overcome.

 

You see, for every phone call you answered, each text message or email you replied to empowered our abuser even more. With every word you listened to, you worked to increase the control of the monster as he grew stronger and more domineering.

As you chose "not to take a side" since you “loved us both,” you only encouraged the abuse instead of standing against what was wrong.  Regardless of the gossip or the embellished truth spread, you were responsible to pursue truth and by choosing to remain neutral, you too became a part of the abuse.

Now understand, we are grown women and though we were damaged by all we endured, we can heal and eventually forgive you for the portion you played.  We have learned we are strong and tougher than we thought but we are not lacking scars from damage done. 

 

However, the abuse sustained by our children because of your "neutrality" is a different story.

And so, on behalf of our children, for those who supported the abuser, we beg of you, educate yourself.  Take the time to read, to study and to talk to those who have walked in our shoes. You will probably be surprised to hear the countless stories of those who have been left to fight alone and whose stories mimic our own.

Spend time studying God's word and understand just what scripture says in regards to oppression (Zachariah 7:10, Psalm 72:4, Psalm10:17-18) and lying (Proverbs 12:17, Proverbs 12:22, Ephesians 4:29).  Read up on words such as narcissist and abuse. Educate yourself.

For each of you, this letter serves as our way to say two simple words, become informed.  Understand the characteristics and tactics used by an abuser.  Investigate words such as gaslighting and manipulation so that you understand the way in which this game is played.  And yes, a game because for them, it becomes all about winning. 

Choose a side from a position of being well-informed which will leave you aware of what is truly happening.  Base your choice on what you knew to be true of the character of those involved and not just hearsay and gossip. And above all else, pray.  God is a God of wisdom and discernment. It is amazing the way in which He will open your eyes to the truth if you just ask. 

Maybe one day we will live in a world where a woman can find the help and support she and her children need, but until then, take time to understand the various forms and tactics of abuse.  

We have confidence in knowing God is faithful and He WILL rescue those oppressed and suffering from abuse because we have experienced it first hand. His justice will see to it that those who have caused harm answer for the wrong done.  And He most definitely will restore the lives of those who were betrayed, abandoned and crushed accomplishing it in such a way that only HE can claim the glory!

Anyone who does wrong will be paid his due because He doesn't play favorites,

Colossians 3:25

In the end, we would like to ask for your forgiveness.  Please forgive us if we are hesitant to share our lives with you. Please forgive our reluctance in trusting you with our children or our hearts. We no longer give of ourselves so freely.

Now we leave you with one simple request. God forbid, should another individual in your life ever approach you with claims of abuse as we did, do not ignore them.  Listen.  Believe. Choose a side.

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
Martin Luther King Jr

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Martin Luther King Jr

With love,

Those you left behind

Helpful resources

How to help an abuse victim

An open letter to the men we thought we knew.

To the men we thought we knew,

This letter has been a long time in the making. But today, we say our peace. 

Today we speak from a heart no longer full of hatred and anger, but instead forgiveness and love.

Today, we begin with two simple words; thank you.

Never would we have imagined a time when the pain you caused could be appreciated. The strength to trudge through the heartache of  another day of you was believed impossible.  However, our strength surprised us and we survived. It was because of you we were pushed to the point of recognizing, we are strong!

For the extensive list of labels you gave us, to every demeaning email, sent text and phone call you made to those we knew, we thank you. 

From stalking and spying neighbors working to instill fear and leaving us peering over our shoulder, scared to leave home, we thank you.

For broken spirits which left us unrecognizable to those who truly knew and loved us,  to making us question our sanity and all we knew to be true, we thank you. 

For involving not only our friends, but family and church as you worked to alienate us, leaving us abandoned and betrayed, we thank you.

For spending tens of thousands of dollars on expensive attorneys instead of financially providing for our children, the innocent ones you promised to provide for, we thank you.  For caring more about winning a battle than demonstrating true character and integrity for our children, we thank you.

As you left us alienated while you surrounded yourself with those we once called friends and family, we finally understood the true meaning of love and friendship.  You helped us identify the pointlessness of shallow and toxic relationships as we finally recognized that a handful of friends are all we truly need.

You see, for what felt like forever, our hearts burned with rage so deep that the idea of extinguishing the flames seemed impossible. You left our world feeling dark and lonely as we withdrew deep within ourselves to the point of losing our sense of self.  We became shells of the women we once were believing we had no purpose and were beyond love.  Thank you for bringing us to this  breaking point. 

For all these things, we owe you our sincerest gratitude.  You brought the old cliché to life, because truly what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger.  You brought God's word to life  as we saw verses in Genesis and Exodus come to life as we trusted God to fight our battle and reveal truth.

Even though you intended to harm me, God intended it only for good, and through me, He preserved the lives of countless people, as He is still doing today.

Genesis 50:20

The Eternal will fight on your behalf while you watch in silence.

Exodus 14:14

Though we fought through a battle we were unprepared to fight, we have transformed into princess warriors who are stronger than we ever thought possible.

You left us frightened, cold and completely alone, longing and waiting to be rescued.  We were weighed down by the heaviness of all we endured and believed we would drown. But to our surprise,  we were rescued.


We were rescued by a love we never expected. A love unlike any other as Jesus picked up every broken piece you created and He not only restored those pieces but He reworked them into an amazingly beautiful masterpiece of His love and grace.

He came in and redeemed, rescued and restored all those things within us you tore apart.  He worked within our hearts to remind us of our true identity as He whispered, with gentleness and affirmation that we belonged to Him.

Through it all, we have changed.  We are now strong.   Because of you a passion has been reawakened. One that once burned deep within us that was forgotten.   You brought back that nine year old little girl who once ran through the yard with her toy gun and badge fighting for truth and justice.

Everything has changed. We no longer  see the world as “flesh to flesh and mess to mess” but instead “spirit to spirit.” We recognize that you are no different than us.  You too, just like us, with your flaws, sins and all, are loved by God. You too, just like us, deserve forgiveness and prayers and healing.  Understanding that truth, we now let go of the hatred, not just for you, but for all those who followed and supported you and today, we choose to love.

We are no longer the person you tirelessly spent working to destroy, we are stronger.  We are fighters.  We are proof that God makes beauty out of ashes.

We now love in a healthy way.  Our idea of trust has shifted and we no longer trust as we once did, but instead allow a select few within our walls.  We view the world from a totally new perspective, for you helped to open our eyes to true beauty, truth and loyalty. For each of these things, we say thank you!

We truly wish the best for you and will never forget this journey and the path  that led us to the hope and love that is Jesus.  And for it all, we again say thank you.

The women you thought you knew

Left only with a story...

People have stories to tell.  Real life experiences that have left hearts pierced and broken. Experiences which many wish could be left behind and never revisited, however, it isn’t that simple.

Abuse comes in various forms.  It knows no boundaries.  It can strike any home, at any moment, no matter social status, race or gender.

For women, if often involves their greatest treasure, their children.  These priceless treasures will turn women into a mighty warrior princess.  No battle too immense to fight when the lives of those treasured little ones are at stake.

However, for many, these women must fight alone.  They remain on the battlefield to fight the enormous giant before them with nothing but their story.  And there in turn lies the problem when dealing with the abusive giant; her story is not enough.

This world is incredibly unfair.  Things are often backwards and justice often, does not prevail.  For the most part, the wolves, the abusers, typically win.

The countless stories that could be shared remain untold.  Numerous children harmed due to a broken system which chooses to protect the “rights of a parent” instead of the welfare of a child. Money speaks loudly in the American court system and those who have it, more often than not, win.

Children are ripped from the arms of a loving mama who has walked away from abuse to protect them.  Women without the necessary means to financially fight against the wolf, watch as the very ones they fight to protect are handed over to the wolf and nothing can be done.  All they have to fight with are their words.

Can you understand the difficulty establishing abuse with only stories and words to share? No bruises.  No signs of a physical fight.  No pictures to prove the damage. Abuse is difficult to substantiate when there is nothing to see.

The scars of emotional, verbal and mental abuse cut deep into the soul.  They leave scars, which take years to heal. As a woman begins to describe her pain, forming the words are near impossible.  How do put into words the lies, manipulation, constant put-downs, the doubting, the gaslighting?  How does one explain with words what is taking place behind the closed doors of the home that cannot be seen with the eyes?

A woman walks into a courtroom assuming justice will come.  Praying that relief will arrive for her children.  A woman walks into a courtroom believing that this judge will witness the mask worn by the wolf.  Will he hear her pleas and protect her children?  Sadly and horrifically, it doesn’t happen.

The wolf can afford expensive attorneys.  The wolf holds the key to the finances.  He holds down the home.  This woman has cared for her home and family for years.  She attempts to create a safe home full of love, nevertheless at her own expense.  She stands unprepared for the battle both emotionally and financially.

A woman who has endured years of abuse cannot fight against a wolf.  The wolf has brainwashed her into believing she is not good enough.  Made her believe that everything happening is her fault.  She is definitely the cause of the abuse.  And the court system in this country works right alongside of the wolf. Equipping and enabling the continued abuse.

As I write, I hear of another story of a woman who left abuse only to have her children ripped away by another judge.  A wolf has accused her of being unfit, being an adulterous wife while being a drunk and has won.  A wolf will execute whatever plan necessary to disparage the character of the one in which he is losing control over and will stop at nothing until he has his way.  Even at the expense of his children.

Each day another family is torn apart by domestic violence. Children remain forced to live with the wolf where the abuse continues and another woman is left to pick up the broken pieces of her life from the malicious attack.  Countless scars left to heal.

There is much work to be accomplished.  People who need to be educated, especially within our court systems.  Awareness must come in order for change to happen.  Will you take the time to educate yourself?  Educate yourself so that when the day comes that you are faced with a friend or loved one asking for your help, you are prepared to answer the call.

Visit Giveherwings.com today to learn more about how you can help a mama fighting against abuse.

Love is patient; love is kind.  Love isn't envious, doesn't boast, brag, or strut about. There's no arrogance in love; it's never rude, crude, or indecent- it's not self-absorbed.  Love isn't easily upset. Love doesn't tally wrongs or celebrate injustice; but truth-yes, truth-is love's delight!  Love puts up with anything and everything that comes along; it trust, hopes and endures no matter what.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Can you imagine: Tall Tails, Wolves and Accusations

Imagine with me for a moment, this story of a young girl.  A young girl walks into a small store with a short list of things to buy.  She gingerly picks up a shopping basket and smiles at the young person working in the produce department.  The same young person who is stocking produce every Wednesday she visits the store. As they exchange a friendly hello she winds her way through the store placing each of her items in the basket.  She makes her way to the front of the store ready to checkout where she is greeted by the young cashier who helps her each week.  Check out is quick and as she offers a friendly goodbye, she picks up her bags and heads to the car.  

The parking lot is quiet but as she unlocks the car door she hears a voice yell, “stop!”  Turning, she sees the young produce person running toward her. “That’s not your bag!”  She looks down in confusion. Suddenly, multiple people approach her car and her head begins to whirl as confusion fills the air. Each person is yelling something different but all accusing her of the same thing.  Stealing from the store.

The world begins to spin as her cheeks flood with heat.  These people know her.  She is in their store every week.  They know she would never steal anything.  She quickly hands over her bags as the manager grabs them from her hands.  Tears spill down her cheeks.  How could they assume such things about her?  Suddenly what was a quiet parking lot has now turned into a dramatic production.  People are watching, pointing, and whispering.  The young girl is shaken and humiliated.  What just happened?

To find out more about this story visit Give Her Wings

The Day Ruby Died

It was a cool Friday afternoon.  Ruby had been giving me trouble for weeks.  Her get up and go was ready to give in and let go.  I found myself in a bit of a situation.

Ruby had been a part of my life for four years.  She journeyed with me through a dark and scary time in my life.  She served as the first thing that was “mine” when my previous life fell apart. In my eyes, Ruby meant a new start.  

We faced several scary times together but we also shared a LOT of happy moments.  She carried my babies and me on many memorable road trips and protected me from the attack of a huge buck that believed the road belonged to him.  We faced a lot together.

Then it happened.  A week before Thanksgiving she began to deteriorate.  The time had come to trade her in. The thoughts of letting go was tough.  My symbol of freedom.

Ruby and My Sweet Baby Girl

The day had come to find a replacement for Ruby.  I had spent hours upon hours looking for something new but nothing compared.  So much to live up to and not easily replaced.  

Anyone who knows me knows I spent years proclaiming never to drive a minivan.  EVER.  A minivan symbolized something I did not want to be.  I’m not exactly sure what but it had something to do with my identity.  

In my previous life I lacked self confidence.  I  never felt pretty, smart or strong or even good enough for anyone.  In my previous life, my car gave me a boost of self confidence.  Typically I drove large SUVs that made me feel in control of my life and safe.  They gave me courage. Sounds silly right? Trust me, it does.  But I am going for total transparency. Hang in there.  

Back in the day, I didn’t know who I was other than someones wife, mother or child.  I had no identity. It belonged to everyone else.  I lived in a constant state of being who everyone else thought I should be and it was a lot of hard work.  I could never keep up with the expectations upon me which left me in a constant state of feeling like I failed.  It was a horrible way to live life as I forced a smile and made people believe the best. It was exhausting.

Amazing how a few years of rough waters and a beautiful red car can change your world.  

I spent several years living in a dark world constantly under attack.  It was awesome!  I can say that now because now I know how to fight and I know who I am.  

While fighting my way through those rough waters I met a man. He came out in the middle of my storm and joined in my battle. As He fought through the storm with me, He gave me courage and hope by taking over when I no longer had the will to fight.  He fought for me as if I were the most important person in the world to Him. His love and compassion wrapped me in warmth when the fear of the battle overtook my heart. He breathed life into my soul in a way I have never experienced and reminded me who I was. I belonged to Him.  I was the daughter of The King. He reminded me of my beauty and worth and called me His own with a smile on His face.  Throughout my storm, Jesus never left my side.  I fell in love.  I became His and my identity changed.

It is an incredible thing when we finally discover our true worth.  Our eyes are opened to a whole new world and the discovery process is exciting.  The way I see the world now is different.  I no longer see “things” as what defines me.  Things I do or have done no longer impact the image I have of myself.  

At the end of my storm, another man walked into my life. He came with a heart full of love and asked me to be his.  I was hesitant as I  struggled with the idea of a man loving me like my Jesus loved me. I struggled with whether I was “good enough” for the man standing in front of me.  

But the reminder came that God had a plan for my life.  He had worked over the course of my storm to show me who I was in Him.  I was His. He reminded me that His love alone was the only love I needed. He had my best in mind and as long as I trusted Him and lived a surrendered life, life with this man would be a good life.

I wake up every day with a new confidence.  A confidence that comes from an identity that is found in the One who gave His life for me.  Knowing I am loved and adored by the Creator of the Universe has given my life purpose and true meaning.  On top of it all I am married to a man who adores me.  He reminds me a million times a day in so many ways of his love and because of that I glow.  

Ruby is gone. Replaced by something new.  The old has gone as God has begun a new work.  

Oh... and that minivan I said I would never drive….NeVeR tell God Never :-)

Therefore, if anyone is united with the Anointed One, that person is a new creation.  The old life is gone-and see-a new life has begun!

2 Corinthians 5:17

A New Identity, A Pair of Broken Wings and One Great Hope

Seven years ago, writing became a big part of my life.  I did not know the purpose or reason at the time but God did.  He was aware of my impending storm and prepared me for the road ahead.  

If you have never dealt with divorce, it is hard to understand the emotions involved and even harder to relate.  There is so much pain from feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, feelings of betrayal, fear and hurt that never seem to end.  For me, except for my parents and siblings as well a dear friend who lived two minutes from my home, I was alone. My church, my closest friends and my extended family abandoned me.  At a time when love and support were needed, I found none. It was not only lonely but scary.

After the trials and storms, He has given me a place and a purpose to be for others what I did not have. By sharing His love, His grace and His hope, I can help women who are not just suffering from the loss of their marriage but struggling to find their "new" identity.

Throughout the last few years I have encountered many women whose experiences were much like mine.  Recognizing their pain and being aware of how much it happens, leaves me with a great desire to offer encouragement to those hurting.  I want them to know they are not alone and they have a great HOPE.

Several months ago, I commented on a Facebook post of a friend. That same day I received a friend request from someone I did not know who had also left a comment.  Because we had several mutual friends I accepted and God began a work. Little did I know the way in which He was working, orchestrating a new journey for me.  

As I visited the profile of my new friend, I discovered that my beautiful new friend Megan and her husband are part of an incredible ministry, Give Her Wings.   While reading about this ministry, their mission and purpose left me overcome with gratitude. The mission:  Helping to give specific mothers who have left abusive situations a chance to get on their feet...to breathe...to heal their broken wings and fly free again.   Being one who understands and is passionate to serve those women who are left to start over, I wanted to help.  I wanted to do what they were doing but I was only one person. I didn’t even know how to start such an undertaking.

Time passed but the feelings grew stronger. It took time for me to recognize the nudging of the Holy Spirit to contact Megan.  I didn’t know what to say but began by sharing my story and desire to be a part of this amazing work God was doing through them. Much to my surprise my message was met with such encouragement.  God opened doors and made it clear that this ministry, Give Her Wings, was where He wanted me.  

Less than a month ago I received a special gift in the mail that touched my heart. Megan has written an amazing book also titled Give Her Wings.  This incredible book brought so much healing as the words spoke such truth and love as well as encouragement. It was filled with clarity, compassion and hope and helped to free me from the struggle of guilt I often experience. It is a great resource filled with practical advice for mamas searching for answers in what can be such a dark journey while giving excellent and much needed advice and wisdom to those walking alongside those dealing with abuse. It is a much needed resource for an area that is greatly lacking in many churches and one every pastor should read. To learn more about her book or to pick up a copy for yourself, click here.

So if you have made it this far into this post I have something for you to consider.  Right now as you are reading, someone’s name has probably come to mind. Someone in your life is dealing with a struggling marriage or with abuse.  With that said, I would like to ask something of you because there is something you can do.

First, you can pray. Whoever God has placed on your heart, say a prayer. You don't need details because God knows. Realizing the struggle is more than enough.  It simply takes a minute to pray. Mamas and their babies (even the husbands) who are dealing with this battle need to be covered in prayer. These families need to be loved on and shown that they are not alone.  And we can intercede on their behalf by lifting them up in prayer.  

My second request is for you to visit the website Give Her Wings. The purpose of Give Her Wings is to raise gifts and money for mothers who have left abusive situations. Oftentimes, when a woman leaves an abusive marriage, she narrowly escapes with little more than her children and the clothes on her back. Give Her Wings desires to do all they can to help specific mothers who are living in very poor conditions presently.  Once there you can read more about the ministry as well blog posts and updates on mamas who have been helped. There is also a place to donate and support the ministry as well as nominate a mama you may know who needs help.  

There is so much hurting in our world.  So many people left without hope. People need to be reminded of our mighty God who loves and longs to walk alongside them through the darkest storms in life.  To know that we, the Church, are here to love and walk with them. We need to be the light. We need to be on mission.  We are called to care for those around us who are hurting and in need.

Help me take the first step in making a difference. Visit GiveHerWings.com and see what part you can play in making a difference in the lives of those who need our help to heal their broken wings and fly free again.  Thank you in advance for your help as we make a difference in a world that often can be dark.

Can I go anywhere apart from you Spirit?

Is there anywhere I can go to escape Your watchful presence?

If I go up into Heaven, You are there.

If I make my bed in the realm of the dead, You are there.

If I ride on the wings of morning,

if I make my home in the most isolated part of the ocean,

Even then You will be there to guide me;

Your right hand will embrace me, for You are always there.

Even if I am afraid and think to myself, “There is no doubt that the darkness will swallow me,

the light around me will soon be turned night,”

You can see in the dark, for it is not dark to Your eyes.

For You the night is just as bright as the day.

Darkness and light are the same to Your eyes.

Psalm 139:7-12

A Broken Angel, A Shattered Heart and One Extravagant Christmas Miracle

 Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Living in a state of anxious thoughts that God can’t bless me.  I cannot be this happy.  I am divorced. My home is broken.  God is angry with me.  He doesn't want me.

Because of a bad decision, a sin I committed at the age of 15, I lived many years dealing with the consequences.  I also lived believing God was angry with me and had no true purpose for my life.  I lived my life wanting to serve Him and did so in hopes of gaining His approval. Wanting His love. But never feeling worthy.  I felt my life could not be used because of my sins.  My past haunted me daily.  

Almost six years ago I embarked on a journey down a very dark path that drew me closer to Jesus.  As I was cast out by a church and turned away by friends and family, I learned what following Jesus truly meant.  I learned how to listen to His voice and follow His leading.  For the first time, I embraced His love and understood and accepted His grace.  

When you make a choice to go against the beliefs and advice of others and hold fast to what you know to be true, you expose yourself to great challenges.  Defying another, especially a pastor, leaves you vulnerable to enormous ridicule and loneliness.  When you make a choice to follow the Holy Spirit as He leads, you don’t always win the favor of those around you.  

That was me.  I had spent hours and hours upon my knees in prayer.  Praying for so many things.  Looking for answers.  Looking for change.  When the Spirit began moving in my life and I stood up against those who attempted to manipulate me into following their voice, I faced severe consequence.  But those consequences changed my life forever and grew my faith in ways I never thought possible.

I was left totally on my own.  My church, my friends and certain family abandoned me.  They cast me aside.  At the time, it was devastating.  It was heartbreaking. But now it has become one of the greatest blessings and lessons in my life.  

God taught me to trust Him in all things.  Even when it seemed all hope was lost and I felt like I was sinking, He was there.

When you are dealing with storms, often through the darkness, God parts the clouds and gives you a beautiful glimpse of His love.  In dark moments He reveals to you those things or people in your life you need to separate yourself from but also those you need to pull closer.  He provides when all hope feels lost and emptiness is overwhelming. I experienced those moments. They became precious and intimate gifts from my Heavenly Daddy as He made His presence known in my life.  

When the gossip spread that I was running from God, having an affair, and had walked away from my faith, He intervened and revealed Himself in mighty ways.  From simple messages from those who loved me to finding bags of groceries at my front door, His presence was undeniable.  From each verbal attack from those who questioned my character and made me doubt myself, God spoke into my heart and reminded me I was His and He had great plans for me. Though others walked away, His presence never left me.  His arms were always there to hold me up as He embraced me with His love.

The past couple of years have been amazing.   God has blessed and provided for my children and me in more ways than I can write in one post.  But this Christmas He sent me a precious reminder. Many months ago, my daughter broke something of mine that was very special to me.  It was something from my previous life that held a significant place in my heart. It had served as a reminder of God's faithfulness through my trials and storms.  The day it broke, my heart shattered.  But God.  

On December 1, 2012 God gave me the most wonderful blessing I had had in many years.  He gave me my husband. Some know our story, others have formulated their own version but to summarize, we were two broken people, God redeemed and gave to one another.  My husband is my dream come true.  This Christmas God used him to remind me of His restoring love.  

Unbeknownst to me, but not my boys, my husband had collected the pieces of my broken angel and was determined to repair the damage. He spent months gluing back the many broken pieces. Each time I left the house (which was rare) he would pull out those pieces working to repair what I had lost.  Behind the scenes he worked to restore the brokenness.  

On Christmas morning, as I pulled the angel out of the bright red bag, overwhelming joy flooded my heart.  As I took it all in my mind immediately went to the love of my Heavenly Daddy.  For years my shattered heart laid a broken mess.  Broken and unraveled, I needed fixing.  

But God.  He scooped up all my broken pieces and one by one began putting them back together.  It took time allowing for the “glue” to dry. It took great precision as each piece now fit a little differently. And some were no longer needed. Things didn’t go back the way they had once been but instead fit together in a new and more beautiful way.  

He took the entire broken and shattered mess I had become and turned it into a masterpiece that became a display of His restoring love and grace.  A magnificent portrait of His faithfulness.  Just as my husband restored my angel.

My husband is a beautiful reflection and reminder of God’s love and faithfulness.  His love is something I have never experienced.  Each day because of his love for me, I get a taste of how my Heavenly Daddy loves me.  So complete and selfless.

I look at my life and see what others do not.  Many feel pity for my children and sadness for what we’ve endured. Heavy hearted because they come from a broken home.  But God has shown me something different.  Each time my children smile and laugh, I am reminded that God restored our broken home.  He put together all the broken pieces of our lives and gave us something beautiful.  A home full of love.  A home where He is welcome. He took our shattered broken mess and turned it into a extravagant tapestry of His love and grace.

How enduring is God’s loyal love;

the Eternal has inexhaustible compassion.

Here they are, every morning new!

Your faithfulness, God, is as broad as the day.

Have courage, for the Eternal is all that I will need.

My soul boasts, “Hope in God; just wait.”

It is good,  The Eternal One is good to those who expect Him,

to those who seek Him wholeheartedly.

It is good to wait quietly

for the Eternal to make things right again.

Lamentations 3:22-26