This letter is a difficult one to write as the betrayal and
the heartache you added to our lives was unexpected causing greater pain to overcome.
Realize, when the time came to leave, we expected nothing
less than what we experienced from our abuser.
We had lived with them long enough that we understood their behavior and
had an idea of the firestorm we would face.
Yes, they caught us off guard at times because no one would have ever guessed what great lengths they would take to win. However, those who rallied
around them, left us speechless. For each of you, the forgiveness and feelings of
anger will take longer to overcome.
You see, for every phone call you answered, each text message or
email you replied to empowered our abuser even more. With every word you listened to, you worked
to increase the control of the monster as he grew stronger and more domineering.
As you chose "not to take a side" since you “loved
us both,” you only encouraged the abuse instead of standing against what was
wrong. Regardless of the gossip or the embellished truth spread, you were responsible to pursue
truth and by choosing to remain neutral,
you too became a part of the abuse.
Now understand, we are grown women and though we were damaged
by all we endured, we can heal and eventually forgive you for the portion you
played. We have learned we are strong and tougher than we thought but we are not lacking scars from damage done.
However, the abuse sustained by our children because
of your "neutrality" is a different story.
And so, on behalf of our children, for those who supported the
abuser, we beg of you, educate yourself.
Take the time to read, to study and to talk to those who have walked in
our shoes. You will probably be surprised to hear the countless stories of
those who have been left to fight alone and whose stories mimic our own.
Spend time studying God's word and understand just what
scripture says in regards to oppression (Zachariah 7:10, Psalm 72:4, Psalm10:17-18) and lying (Proverbs 12:17, Proverbs 12:22, Ephesians 4:29). Read up on words such as narcissist and
abuse. Educate yourself.
For each of you, this letter serves as our way to say two
simple words, become informed.
Understand the characteristics and tactics used by an abuser. Investigate words such as gaslighting and
manipulation so that you understand the way in which this game is played. And yes, a game because for them, it becomes all
about winning.
Choose a side from a position of being well-informed which
will leave you aware of what is truly happening. Base your choice on what you knew to be true
of the character of those involved and not just hearsay and gossip. And above all
else, pray. God is a God of wisdom and
discernment. It is amazing the way in which He will open your eyes to the truth
if you just ask.
Maybe one day we will live in a world where a woman can find
the help and support she and her children need, but until then, take time to understand the various forms and tactics of abuse.
We have confidence in knowing God is faithful and He WILL rescue those oppressed and suffering from abuse because we have experienced it first hand. His justice will see to it that those who have caused harm answer for the wrong done. And He most definitely will restore the lives of those who were betrayed, abandoned and crushed accomplishing it in such a
way that only HE can claim the glory!
Anyone who does wrong will be paid his due because He doesn't play favorites,
Colossians 3:25
In the end, we would like to ask for your forgiveness. Please forgive us if we are hesitant to share
our lives with you. Please forgive our reluctance in trusting you with our
children or our hearts. We no longer give of ourselves so freely.
Now we leave you with one simple request. God forbid, should
another individual in your life ever approach you with claims of abuse as we
did, do not ignore them. Listen. Believe. Choose a side.
Nothing in all the world is more
dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
Martin Luther King Jr
Martin Luther King Jr
In the End, we will remember not the
words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Martin Luther King Jr
Martin Luther King Jr
With love,
Those you left behind
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