All Things New: The Day Ruby Died

It was a cool Friday afternoon. Ruby had been giving me trouble for weeks. Her get up and go was ready to give in and let go. I found myself in a bit of a situation.

Ruby had been a part of my life for four years. She journeyed with me through a dark and scary time in my life. She served as the first thing that was “mine” when my previous life fell apart. In my eyes, Ruby meant a new start.

We faced several scary times together but we also shared a LOT of happy moments. She carried my babies and me on many memorable road trips and protected me from the attack of a huge buck that believed the road belonged to him. We faced a lot together.

Then it happened. A week before Thanksgiving she began to deteriorate. The time had come to trade her in. The thoughts of letting go was tough. My symbol of freedom.

Ruby and My Sweet Baby Girl

The day had come to find a replacement for Ruby. I had spent hours upon hours looking for something new but nothing compared. So much to live up to and not easily replaced.

Anyone who knows me knows I spent years proclaiming never to drive a minivan. EVER. A minivan symbolized something I did not want to be. I’m not exactly sure what but it had something to do with my identity.

In my previous life I lacked self confidence. I never felt pretty, smart or strong or even good enough for anyone. In my previous life, my car gave me a boost of self confidence. Typically I drove large SUVs that made me feel in control of my life and safe. They gave me courage. Sounds silly right? Trust me, it does. But I am going for total transparency. Hang in there.

Back in the day, I didn’t know who I was other than someones wife, mother or child. I had no identity. It belonged to everyone else. I lived in a constant state of being who everyone else thought I should be and it was a lot of hard work. I could never keep up with the expectations upon me which left me in a constant state of feeling like I failed. It was a horrible way to live life as I forced a smile and made people believe the best. It was exhausting.

Amazing how a few years of rough waters and a beautiful red car can change your world.

I spent several years living in a dark world constantly under attack. It was awesome! I can say that now because now I know how to fight and I know who I am.

While fighting my way through those rough waters I met a man. He came out in the middle of my storm and joined in my battle. As He fought through the storm with me, He gave me courage and hope by taking over when I no longer had the will to fight. He fought for me as if I were the most important person in the world to Him. His love and compassion wrapped me in warmth when the fear of the battle overtook my heart. He breathed life into my soul in a way I have never experienced and reminded me who I was. I belonged to Him. I was the daughter of The King. He reminded me of my beauty and worth and called me His own with a smile on His face. Throughout my storm, Jesus never left my side. I fell in love. I became His and my identity changed.

It is an incredible thing when we finally discover our true worth. Our eyes are opened to a whole new world and the discovery process is exciting. The way I see the world now is different. I no longer see “things” as what defines me. Things I do or have done no longer impact the image I have of myself.

At the end of my storm, another man walked into my life. He came with a heart full of love and asked me to be his. I was hesitant as I struggled with the idea of a man loving me like my Jesus loved me. I struggled with whether I was “good enough” for the man standing in front of me.

But the reminder came that God had a plan for my life. He had worked over the course of my storm to show me who I was in Him. I was His. He reminded me that His love alone was the only love I needed. He had my best in mind and as long as I trusted Him and lived a surrendered life, life with this man would be a good life.

I wake up every day with a new confidence. A confidence that comes from an identity that is found in the One who gave His life for me. Knowing I am loved and adored by the Creator of the Universe has given my life purpose and true meaning. On top of it all I am married to a man who adores me. He reminds me a million times a day in so many ways of his love and because of that I glow.

Ruby is gone. Replaced by something new. The old has gone as God has begun a new work.

Oh... and that minivan I said I would never drive….NeVeR tell God Never :-)