An open letter to the leaders who cast us aside

Originally published on Give Her Wings

This letter is for those in church leadership who cast us aside when we needed you the most.  For those in leadership who were duped by those who used you the way in which they used us. For those leaders whose spiritual abuse left us broken and doubting.

You see, you were fooled into believing whatever story they wanted to spin. A pawn in their disturbing game of  control and manipulation. Without a second thought, you listened to their stories, accepted every tear, and acknowledged their “I’m sorry” as genuine repentance.

You chose to distance yourself from reality, the darkness covering our home.  You avoided the opportunity to investigate further into the truth, to invest more deeply in the lives affected, but instead, chose the bliss of ignorance and the ease of assumption.  You were swayed by gossip and lies, and you ignored the warning of Scripture not to judge a matter without hearing all parties (Proverbs 18:13). You foolishly assigned blame apart from the facts.  Apart from knowledge.  Apart from relationship.

For some, as leaders, your pride stood in the way of pursuing the truth.  A need to protect your persona and the image of a building prohibited you from doing the difficult stuff.  From failing to investigate the truth from fiction or taking the necessary steps to defend those lost within such a dark situation, your lack of concern left us broken and crushed while doubting our faith.

For those leaders who dismissed us as being excessive in our sensitivity or reluctant to submit to the headship of our husband, this letter is for you.  For those who accused of us doing something that caused the abuse or by telling us we needed to have more sex with our spouse, this too is for you.  And for those who repeatedly told us, “Your spouse is not the enemy.  Do not allow the real enemy to destroy your family,” your words only served to aid the abuser in destroying us in even greater ways.

Understand, we were fully aware of the true enemy and to this day because of shared children, we still face our enemy on a daily basis.  You see, for us, our spouse was and remains the enemy.  He was a man being used by the true enemy to oppress, berate, demean and abuse.  Our spouse spoke the name of Jesus to those he needed to impress, but his actions, the actions we witnessed, confirmed otherwise.

For us, it took time to wrap our heads around the truth of our situation.  For us, all we could hear were your accusing words informing us we were the problem.  No matter how many prayers we prayed, questions we asked, counseling sessions we attended, we were not fighting hard enough or praying loud enough.  You left us burdened by the weight of our heartache and believing we were the cause.

As if the despair we felt for our decaying family was not enough, you heaped sorrow upon our suffering while drenching our open wounds with feelings of guilt and shame.  And then you handed our abuser the match leaving him to devour what was left of our broken spirits.

But God!  You see, He steps in when others walk away.  Truthfully, He never leaves, but instead, because of those thundering opinions around us, we often lose track of His voice.  However, rest assured, when He speaks, He calms the storm and reminds us exactly who is in charge and who wrote The Book.

He reminds us that abusers live in a consistent pattern of sin which according to scripture, means they are not a Christian.  Instead, a true Christian is one who struggles with sin, yet hates it and pursues forgiveness from God.  This is not the way of our abuser.  Numerous passages speak to this truth.  Here are a few.Psalm 50:16-22, John 13:34-35, Romans 8:3-9.

For those in leadership, the ones who have been given charge over the sheep, to each pastor and elder who walked hand in hand professing to the do the work of God, hear our voices as we beg of you, please educate yourself.

With that said, if you as leaders are striving to accomplish what God has called you to, please, do not demand that we return to our abuser.  As a shepherd, your job becomes that of protecting your sheep, especially the weak ones, which means not sending us back to the wolf.  And by all means, refrain from using Matthew 18 as a way to manipulate us into doing it your way.  More often than not, this passage lacks relevancy to our situation for the reason that our abuser is not a Christian.  See 1 John 3:6-10.

So it is not hard to figure out who are the children of God and who are the children of the diabolical one: those who lack right standing and those who don’t show love for one another do not belong to God.

1 John 3:10

As the Body of Christ, it should be your mission to protect those who have been harmed by abuse.  1 Corinthians 12 speaks of the Body of Christ saying that if one member of the body hurts, all members hurt.  The church should be a safe haven for victims and not a place of safe hiding for the evilness of the prowling wolf leaving the broken sheep to scatter.

As leadership you should understand the strategy of the wolf.  His gameplay of fake repentance.  The tears he will shed, the walks to the altar at the conclusion of a service for all to see.  He will play you. 

However, until you witness true repentance, repentance that involves claiming his actions instead of blaming his victim or minimizing his own actions, requesting genuine spiritual accountability, seeking out the service of a true professional in the psychiatric field, you should stay away.

Now understand, we as survivors realize God can change anyone.  That there are men who have repented and now walk with Jesus. Nevertheless, we need you to understand this, a man must be willing to submit to God and allow God to transform his heart.  A simple prayer asking for forgiveness through streaming tears, which we have witnessed thousands of times, does not confirm that change.

In conclusion, I leave you, the church leadership who cast us aside, with these words, be aware of the problem.  Understand the countless facets of domestic and spiritual abuse.  Do your research. Become educated.

And for the lives of the precious children involved, do not counsel couples where claims of abuse are made.  Instead, admit to your lack of training in this area and work with these couples in seeking out those qualified and trained to diagnose and counsel those in need of dealing with this growing problem found in our churches.

And to those who were cast aside, God is good.  He is faithful.  He will envelope us with His love and shower us with His grace.  Just trust His hand and allow His voice alone to lead.

With love,

Those who’ve been enveloped by His love

An open letter to those who left us behind

This letter is a difficult one to write as the betrayal and the heartache you added to our lives was unexpected causing  greater pain to overcome.

Realize, when the time came to leave, we expected nothing less than what we experienced from our abuser.  We had lived with them long enough that we understood their behavior and had an idea of the firestorm we would face.

Yes, they caught us off guard at times because no one would have ever guessed what great lengths they would take to win. However, those who rallied around them, left us speechless. For each of you, the forgiveness and feelings of anger will take longer to overcome.

 

You see, for every phone call you answered, each text message or email you replied to empowered our abuser even more. With every word you listened to, you worked to increase the control of the monster as he grew stronger and more domineering.

As you chose "not to take a side" since you “loved us both,” you only encouraged the abuse instead of standing against what was wrong.  Regardless of the gossip or the embellished truth spread, you were responsible to pursue truth and by choosing to remain neutral, you too became a part of the abuse.

Now understand, we are grown women and though we were damaged by all we endured, we can heal and eventually forgive you for the portion you played.  We have learned we are strong and tougher than we thought but we are not lacking scars from damage done. 

 

However, the abuse sustained by our children because of your "neutrality" is a different story.

And so, on behalf of our children, for those who supported the abuser, we beg of you, educate yourself.  Take the time to read, to study and to talk to those who have walked in our shoes. You will probably be surprised to hear the countless stories of those who have been left to fight alone and whose stories mimic our own.

Spend time studying God's word and understand just what scripture says in regards to oppression (Zachariah 7:10, Psalm 72:4, Psalm10:17-18) and lying (Proverbs 12:17, Proverbs 12:22, Ephesians 4:29).  Read up on words such as narcissist and abuse. Educate yourself.

For each of you, this letter serves as our way to say two simple words, become informed.  Understand the characteristics and tactics used by an abuser.  Investigate words such as gaslighting and manipulation so that you understand the way in which this game is played.  And yes, a game because for them, it becomes all about winning. 

Choose a side from a position of being well-informed which will leave you aware of what is truly happening.  Base your choice on what you knew to be true of the character of those involved and not just hearsay and gossip. And above all else, pray.  God is a God of wisdom and discernment. It is amazing the way in which He will open your eyes to the truth if you just ask. 

Maybe one day we will live in a world where a woman can find the help and support she and her children need, but until then, take time to understand the various forms and tactics of abuse.  

We have confidence in knowing God is faithful and He WILL rescue those oppressed and suffering from abuse because we have experienced it first hand. His justice will see to it that those who have caused harm answer for the wrong done.  And He most definitely will restore the lives of those who were betrayed, abandoned and crushed accomplishing it in such a way that only HE can claim the glory!

Anyone who does wrong will be paid his due because He doesn't play favorites,

Colossians 3:25

In the end, we would like to ask for your forgiveness.  Please forgive us if we are hesitant to share our lives with you. Please forgive our reluctance in trusting you with our children or our hearts. We no longer give of ourselves so freely.

Now we leave you with one simple request. God forbid, should another individual in your life ever approach you with claims of abuse as we did, do not ignore them.  Listen.  Believe. Choose a side.

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
Martin Luther King Jr

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Martin Luther King Jr

With love,

Those you left behind

Helpful resources

How to help an abuse victim

An open letter to the men we thought we knew.

To the men we thought we knew,

This letter has been a long time in the making. But today, we say our peace. 

Today we speak from a heart no longer full of hatred and anger, but instead forgiveness and love.

Today, we begin with two simple words; thank you.

Never would we have imagined a time when the pain you caused could be appreciated. The strength to trudge through the heartache of  another day of you was believed impossible.  However, our strength surprised us and we survived. It was because of you we were pushed to the point of recognizing, we are strong!

For the extensive list of labels you gave us, to every demeaning email, sent text and phone call you made to those we knew, we thank you. 

From stalking and spying neighbors working to instill fear and leaving us peering over our shoulder, scared to leave home, we thank you.

For broken spirits which left us unrecognizable to those who truly knew and loved us,  to making us question our sanity and all we knew to be true, we thank you. 

For involving not only our friends, but family and church as you worked to alienate us, leaving us abandoned and betrayed, we thank you.

For spending tens of thousands of dollars on expensive attorneys instead of financially providing for our children, the innocent ones you promised to provide for, we thank you.  For caring more about winning a battle than demonstrating true character and integrity for our children, we thank you.

As you left us alienated while you surrounded yourself with those we once called friends and family, we finally understood the true meaning of love and friendship.  You helped us identify the pointlessness of shallow and toxic relationships as we finally recognized that a handful of friends are all we truly need.

You see, for what felt like forever, our hearts burned with rage so deep that the idea of extinguishing the flames seemed impossible. You left our world feeling dark and lonely as we withdrew deep within ourselves to the point of losing our sense of self.  We became shells of the women we once were believing we had no purpose and were beyond love.  Thank you for bringing us to this  breaking point. 

For all these things, we owe you our sincerest gratitude.  You brought the old cliché to life, because truly what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger.  You brought God's word to life  as we saw verses in Genesis and Exodus come to life as we trusted God to fight our battle and reveal truth.

Even though you intended to harm me, God intended it only for good, and through me, He preserved the lives of countless people, as He is still doing today.

Genesis 50:20

The Eternal will fight on your behalf while you watch in silence.

Exodus 14:14

Though we fought through a battle we were unprepared to fight, we have transformed into princess warriors who are stronger than we ever thought possible.

You left us frightened, cold and completely alone, longing and waiting to be rescued.  We were weighed down by the heaviness of all we endured and believed we would drown. But to our surprise,  we were rescued.


We were rescued by a love we never expected. A love unlike any other as Jesus picked up every broken piece you created and He not only restored those pieces but He reworked them into an amazingly beautiful masterpiece of His love and grace.

He came in and redeemed, rescued and restored all those things within us you tore apart.  He worked within our hearts to remind us of our true identity as He whispered, with gentleness and affirmation that we belonged to Him.

Through it all, we have changed.  We are now strong.   Because of you a passion has been reawakened. One that once burned deep within us that was forgotten.   You brought back that nine year old little girl who once ran through the yard with her toy gun and badge fighting for truth and justice.

Everything has changed. We no longer  see the world as “flesh to flesh and mess to mess” but instead “spirit to spirit.” We recognize that you are no different than us.  You too, just like us, with your flaws, sins and all, are loved by God. You too, just like us, deserve forgiveness and prayers and healing.  Understanding that truth, we now let go of the hatred, not just for you, but for all those who followed and supported you and today, we choose to love.

We are no longer the person you tirelessly spent working to destroy, we are stronger.  We are fighters.  We are proof that God makes beauty out of ashes.

We now love in a healthy way.  Our idea of trust has shifted and we no longer trust as we once did, but instead allow a select few within our walls.  We view the world from a totally new perspective, for you helped to open our eyes to true beauty, truth and loyalty. For each of these things, we say thank you!

We truly wish the best for you and will never forget this journey and the path  that led us to the hope and love that is Jesus.  And for it all, we again say thank you.

The women you thought you knew

Left only with a story...

People have stories to tell.  Real life experiences that have left hearts pierced and broken. Experiences which many wish could be left behind and never revisited, however, it isn’t that simple.

Abuse comes in various forms.  It knows no boundaries.  It can strike any home, at any moment, no matter social status, race or gender.

For women, if often involves their greatest treasure, their children.  These priceless treasures will turn women into a mighty warrior princess.  No battle too immense to fight when the lives of those treasured little ones are at stake.

However, for many, these women must fight alone.  They remain on the battlefield to fight the enormous giant before them with nothing but their story.  And there in turn lies the problem when dealing with the abusive giant; her story is not enough.

This world is incredibly unfair.  Things are often backwards and justice often, does not prevail.  For the most part, the wolves, the abusers, typically win.

The countless stories that could be shared remain untold.  Numerous children harmed due to a broken system which chooses to protect the “rights of a parent” instead of the welfare of a child. Money speaks loudly in the American court system and those who have it, more often than not, win.

Children are ripped from the arms of a loving mama who has walked away from abuse to protect them.  Women without the necessary means to financially fight against the wolf, watch as the very ones they fight to protect are handed over to the wolf and nothing can be done.  All they have to fight with are their words.

Can you understand the difficulty establishing abuse with only stories and words to share? No bruises.  No signs of a physical fight.  No pictures to prove the damage. Abuse is difficult to substantiate when there is nothing to see.

The scars of emotional, verbal and mental abuse cut deep into the soul.  They leave scars, which take years to heal. As a woman begins to describe her pain, forming the words are near impossible.  How do put into words the lies, manipulation, constant put-downs, the doubting, the gaslighting?  How does one explain with words what is taking place behind the closed doors of the home that cannot be seen with the eyes?

A woman walks into a courtroom assuming justice will come.  Praying that relief will arrive for her children.  A woman walks into a courtroom believing that this judge will witness the mask worn by the wolf.  Will he hear her pleas and protect her children?  Sadly and horrifically, it doesn’t happen.

The wolf can afford expensive attorneys.  The wolf holds the key to the finances.  He holds down the home.  This woman has cared for her home and family for years.  She attempts to create a safe home full of love, nevertheless at her own expense.  She stands unprepared for the battle both emotionally and financially.

A woman who has endured years of abuse cannot fight against a wolf.  The wolf has brainwashed her into believing she is not good enough.  Made her believe that everything happening is her fault.  She is definitely the cause of the abuse.  And the court system in this country works right alongside of the wolf. Equipping and enabling the continued abuse.

As I write, I hear of another story of a woman who left abuse only to have her children ripped away by another judge.  A wolf has accused her of being unfit, being an adulterous wife while being a drunk and has won.  A wolf will execute whatever plan necessary to disparage the character of the one in which he is losing control over and will stop at nothing until he has his way.  Even at the expense of his children.

Each day another family is torn apart by domestic violence. Children remain forced to live with the wolf where the abuse continues and another woman is left to pick up the broken pieces of her life from the malicious attack.  Countless scars left to heal.

There is much work to be accomplished.  People who need to be educated, especially within our court systems.  Awareness must come in order for change to happen.  Will you take the time to educate yourself?  Educate yourself so that when the day comes that you are faced with a friend or loved one asking for your help, you are prepared to answer the call.

Visit Giveherwings.com today to learn more about how you can help a mama fighting against abuse.

Love is patient; love is kind.  Love isn't envious, doesn't boast, brag, or strut about. There's no arrogance in love; it's never rude, crude, or indecent- it's not self-absorbed.  Love isn't easily upset. Love doesn't tally wrongs or celebrate injustice; but truth-yes, truth-is love's delight!  Love puts up with anything and everything that comes along; it trust, hopes and endures no matter what.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Can you imagine: Tall Tails, Wolves and Accusations

Imagine with me for a moment, this story of a young girl.  A young girl walks into a small store with a short list of things to buy.  She gingerly picks up a shopping basket and smiles at the young person working in the produce department.  The same young person who is stocking produce every Wednesday she visits the store. As they exchange a friendly hello she winds her way through the store placing each of her items in the basket.  She makes her way to the front of the store ready to checkout where she is greeted by the young cashier who helps her each week.  Check out is quick and as she offers a friendly goodbye, she picks up her bags and heads to the car.  

The parking lot is quiet but as she unlocks the car door she hears a voice yell, “stop!”  Turning, she sees the young produce person running toward her. “That’s not your bag!”  She looks down in confusion. Suddenly, multiple people approach her car and her head begins to whirl as confusion fills the air. Each person is yelling something different but all accusing her of the same thing.  Stealing from the store.

The world begins to spin as her cheeks flood with heat.  These people know her.  She is in their store every week.  They know she would never steal anything.  She quickly hands over her bags as the manager grabs them from her hands.  Tears spill down her cheeks.  How could they assume such things about her?  Suddenly what was a quiet parking lot has now turned into a dramatic production.  People are watching, pointing, and whispering.  The young girl is shaken and humiliated.  What just happened?

To find out more about this story visit Give Her Wings

Lost Heros Found

Where the grace of God is missed, bitterness is born. But where the grace of God is embraced, forgiveness flourishes.
-Max Lucado

Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God.  Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.

Hebrews 12:15

I had just left from a wonderful morning of worship and was heading home when the words, “every person in my life who I ever thought were great influences in my life ended up being a joke” came from my mouth.  I was feeling disappointed and angry.  My pastor had been speaking on how we each influence the world and asked us to think about those in our life who had been a great influence to us.  Every name that passed through my mind brought about feelings of hurt.  Suddenly my life felt like a joke.

Fortunately, for me, I have a husband who knows how to stay quiet when I have these moments.  He does not encourage my negative thoughts by adding insult to injury but instead just listens.  He knows I need to talk it all out and allow God to work  it out for me.

As I sat in the car with tears in my eyes, the thick black ooze of bitterness came pouring out of my heart.  I could feel the anger for each of these people rise to the surface.  I was a little caught off guard.  I really thought I had dealt with these deep nasty feelings.  Apparently, I had not. 

This week God has truly been working on me in this area.  I asked for His help and He has answered.  Monday as I was writing He led me to a book I have not read in quite some time.  Max Lucado’s In the Grip of Grace.   I came across this passage,

“Let me be very clear.  Hatred will sour your outlook and break your back.  The load of bitterness is simply too heavy.  Your knees will buckle under the strain, and your heart will break beneath the weight.  The mountain before you is steep enough without the heaviness of hatred on your back.  The wisest choice-the only choice-is for you to drop the anger.  You will never be called upon to give anyone more grace than God has already given you.”

OUCH! Wow!  Profound. My toes are a little sore. This means forgiveness. Not exactly what I wanted to hear.

In my head, I responded with “But, Max, that’s not fair!  These people do not deserve grace.  They do not deserve mercy.  They do not deserve my forgiveness.”

I continued reading,

“I’m not saying [they] he [are] is.  But are you?”

Ouch again!  His words continued jumping off the page at me.

“Besides what choice do you have?  Hatred?  The alternative is not appealing.  Look what happens when we refuse to forgive, “The master was very angry and put the servant in prison to be punished until he could pay for everything he owed” (Matt. 18:34).

Unforgiving servants always end up in prison. Prisons of anger, guilt and depression.  God doesn’t have to put us in jail; we create our own.  “Some men stay healthy till the day they die…others have no happiness at all; they live and die with bitter hearts” (Job 21:23-25 TEV).

I started rolling all that around in my head. It was a lot.  I recognize the heaviness he is writing about and I know I want it gone.  I began to think more about grace.  God does not just offer me grace but He offers it to everyone.  Not only that but He expects me to offer the same grace He offers me, to others.  All others.

As I was reading the words in the book over again, God brought this passage to mind.

No one is righteous- not even one.No one is truly wise; no one is seeking God.All have turned away; all have become useless.No one does good, not a single one.
Romans 3:10-11

This passage led me down a different road. My perspective began to change.  Not everyone gets it right all the time.  No one walks every second of life in the will of God.  No one.  Why?  Because no one does good…all the time.  It is just not possible.  So what does that mean?  It means we cannot put people on pedestals.  I cannot put people on pedestals.  Let me just say that I stink at this.  I have a tendency to place people that I look up to on these beautifully decorated pedestals.  I paint them as perfect and sinless.  Then I focus my attention on wanting to be like them because I see them as being the epitome of “Christ likeness.”  Ugh.  Sinful.  My intentions are good.  Honestly they are.  The problem is that this expectation is unfair.  It is not possible. Why?  Because none of us are Jesus.  No matter how hard we try, there is no way we will ever actually be Jesus.  We can reflect Him.  We can act like Him but we will never be perfect and sinless.  My issue is that of putting the wrong person(s) on the pedestal.  It should be Jesus.  My attention should be focused on Him because He is the One who will never fall off that pedestal.   He is the only One who will never let me down.

It is so simple now that I have thought it all through.  So much time wasted placing unrealistic expectations on people who will ultimately fall. Huge amounts of my time wasted with feelings of bitterness and anger.  It is time to let it all go.  It is time to release that huge weight that has been holding me back. It is time to acknowledge that the people who I once considered influences in my life are not a joke.  I know, how nice of me :-) Seriously though the time they spent being a part of my life and what they did teach me was not a waste of time.  It is time to acknowledge that all those things I learned from them did in fact help to encourage and grow my faith.  It is time to forgive the hurt caused by the toppling over of the pedestal for which I had placed each of them.  Just as God offers me grace, I now choose to do the same.