A Broken Angel, A Shattered Heart and One Extravagant Christmas Miracle

 Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Living in a state of anxious thoughts that God can’t bless me.  I cannot be this happy.  I am divorced. My home is broken.  God is angry with me.  He doesn't want me.

Because of a bad decision, a sin I committed at the age of 15, I lived many years dealing with the consequences.  I also lived believing God was angry with me and had no true purpose for my life.  I lived my life wanting to serve Him and did so in hopes of gaining His approval. Wanting His love. But never feeling worthy.  I felt my life could not be used because of my sins.  My past haunted me daily.  

Almost six years ago I embarked on a journey down a very dark path that drew me closer to Jesus.  As I was cast out by a church and turned away by friends and family, I learned what following Jesus truly meant.  I learned how to listen to His voice and follow His leading.  For the first time, I embraced His love and understood and accepted His grace.  

When you make a choice to go against the beliefs and advice of others and hold fast to what you know to be true, you expose yourself to great challenges.  Defying another, especially a pastor, leaves you vulnerable to enormous ridicule and loneliness.  When you make a choice to follow the Holy Spirit as He leads, you don’t always win the favor of those around you.  

That was me.  I had spent hours and hours upon my knees in prayer.  Praying for so many things.  Looking for answers.  Looking for change.  When the Spirit began moving in my life and I stood up against those who attempted to manipulate me into following their voice, I faced severe consequence.  But those consequences changed my life forever and grew my faith in ways I never thought possible.

I was left totally on my own.  My church, my friends and certain family abandoned me.  They cast me aside.  At the time, it was devastating.  It was heartbreaking. But now it has become one of the greatest blessings and lessons in my life.  

God taught me to trust Him in all things.  Even when it seemed all hope was lost and I felt like I was sinking, He was there.

When you are dealing with storms, often through the darkness, God parts the clouds and gives you a beautiful glimpse of His love.  In dark moments He reveals to you those things or people in your life you need to separate yourself from but also those you need to pull closer.  He provides when all hope feels lost and emptiness is overwhelming. I experienced those moments. They became precious and intimate gifts from my Heavenly Daddy as He made His presence known in my life.  

When the gossip spread that I was running from God, having an affair, and had walked away from my faith, He intervened and revealed Himself in mighty ways.  From simple messages from those who loved me to finding bags of groceries at my front door, His presence was undeniable.  From each verbal attack from those who questioned my character and made me doubt myself, God spoke into my heart and reminded me I was His and He had great plans for me. Though others walked away, His presence never left me.  His arms were always there to hold me up as He embraced me with His love.

The past couple of years have been amazing.   God has blessed and provided for my children and me in more ways than I can write in one post.  But this Christmas He sent me a precious reminder. Many months ago, my daughter broke something of mine that was very special to me.  It was something from my previous life that held a significant place in my heart. It had served as a reminder of God's faithfulness through my trials and storms.  The day it broke, my heart shattered.  But God.  

On December 1, 2012 God gave me the most wonderful blessing I had had in many years.  He gave me my husband. Some know our story, others have formulated their own version but to summarize, we were two broken people, God redeemed and gave to one another.  My husband is my dream come true.  This Christmas God used him to remind me of His restoring love.  

Unbeknownst to me, but not my boys, my husband had collected the pieces of my broken angel and was determined to repair the damage. He spent months gluing back the many broken pieces. Each time I left the house (which was rare) he would pull out those pieces working to repair what I had lost.  Behind the scenes he worked to restore the brokenness.  

On Christmas morning, as I pulled the angel out of the bright red bag, overwhelming joy flooded my heart.  As I took it all in my mind immediately went to the love of my Heavenly Daddy.  For years my shattered heart laid a broken mess.  Broken and unraveled, I needed fixing.  

But God.  He scooped up all my broken pieces and one by one began putting them back together.  It took time allowing for the “glue” to dry. It took great precision as each piece now fit a little differently. And some were no longer needed. Things didn’t go back the way they had once been but instead fit together in a new and more beautiful way.  

He took the entire broken and shattered mess I had become and turned it into a masterpiece that became a display of His restoring love and grace.  A magnificent portrait of His faithfulness.  Just as my husband restored my angel.

My husband is a beautiful reflection and reminder of God’s love and faithfulness.  His love is something I have never experienced.  Each day because of his love for me, I get a taste of how my Heavenly Daddy loves me.  So complete and selfless.

I look at my life and see what others do not.  Many feel pity for my children and sadness for what we’ve endured. Heavy hearted because they come from a broken home.  But God has shown me something different.  Each time my children smile and laugh, I am reminded that God restored our broken home.  He put together all the broken pieces of our lives and gave us something beautiful.  A home full of love.  A home where He is welcome. He took our shattered broken mess and turned it into a extravagant tapestry of His love and grace.

How enduring is God’s loyal love;

the Eternal has inexhaustible compassion.

Here they are, every morning new!

Your faithfulness, God, is as broad as the day.

Have courage, for the Eternal is all that I will need.

My soul boasts, “Hope in God; just wait.”

It is good,  The Eternal One is good to those who expect Him,

to those who seek Him wholeheartedly.

It is good to wait quietly

for the Eternal to make things right again.

Lamentations 3:22-26

Keeping the Romance Alive

I am a bit of a romantic. I love reading love stories.  I particularly love Nicholas Sparks books.  Love how most have sad endings simply because life is not always butterflies and roses.  Doesn't mean true love cannot happen and instead makes the story more real. 

One of my favorite things about a Nicholas Sparks book is the settings in which the stories take place.  They are typically in quaint little towns.  I love the small town feel of people knowing their neighbors, tree lined streets, local restaurants and stores.  Makes for a romantically perfect setting. 

For quite some time I have wanted to pack up and move to my small dream town of New Bern, NC.  A place that encompasses all those things I love about a small town. So imagine my surprise when the veil was lifted from my “the grass is always greener” eyes the day I realized that I live in one of those quaint little towns.  I was elated with joy!!!

My idea of the perfect home always consisted of living in a place where there were sidewalks that actually led somewhere.  Like to a park, a neighborhood restaurant, the local market, a library and so forth.  A place where the streets were lined with trees and an abundance of flowers and greenery. I live there! 

I live in the adorable little downtown area of Wake Forest, NC and it has all of those things I mentioned in the previous paragraph and more.  Not only do I have my perfect setting but my little house is my perfect cottage.  My romantically sweet hideaway completes the package.

So how does a town keep the romance alive?  Let me tell you.  Have you ever been a newlywed living with five children?  Yeah.  Not an easy thing to do.  Add to that the reality that the budget is tight and going on extravagant outings are out of the question.  This leaves my remarkable little town to provide the romance we need for some serious date night escapades.  We have become quite creative.

When you are happy, fancy dates are not required.  Time spent alone with your significant other laughing, talking, and sometimes eating are all you need.  My small town provides the perfect setting and it's a little romantic!

Before we were married a simple date was taking a stroll down the street to the neighborhood park.  There nestled in the trees is a green swing overlooking the little creek that winds its way through the trees.  It’s our own romantic little spot in the woods. 

Now that we’re married we have discovered the simplicity of using the car as a getaway. A favorite outing is taking a ride to our favorite little take-out place once the younger kids are in bed and sharing dinner together in the car while watching an episode of something together on Netflix using my phone.  We laugh and have an hour or so of just “us” time.  I love it! 

Another thing we utilize is Redbox. A couple of weekends ago, my hubby recommended renting a movie.  We do this a lot.  This time instead of driving the two minutes is takes he suggested we walk.  We took a stroll down those adorable tree lined streets of our little town, talking and holding hands and rented our movie.  We wouldn't have had that precious time had we taken the car.

Earlier this summer hubby and I took a second honeymoon so to speak.  Know where we went?  No where.  We stayed home.  What a concept!  One of my favorite nights was spent simply getting ready and taking a walk to a little restaurant in town for dinner.  A few days later a neighbor who had seen us on our walk stopped us.  He had asked where we were going and once we told him “on a date” his reply was “you two looked so happy and in love.  Keep it up!”   Yes!  We definitely will! We will because we know the importance of keeping the romance alive. Because we know the importance of time spent together.

My life is simply amazing.  It is not always butterflies and roses and we have our struggles.  Nevertheless, because we know the importance of “keeping the romance alive” we are able to overcome those struggles.  We also know the importance of kisses, snuggling and cuddling and lots of I love yous.  I have discovered that in today’s world there are many who think we can be too much but from where I have come from there is no greater way to keep love alive then “loving” your spouse too much!  I also believe that it is very important for my kids to see that marriage is about loving each other not just with words but in action too.  It took some getting used to for them and they still tell us to get a room sometimes but you know what?  It’s worth it!  It is worth it because it creates laughter in our home and a closeness in our family that is created because love is truly alive and well.

Today I am thankful for the way in which God handpicked my home and the little town we now live. That story in and of itself is pretty special too.  This place is where our love story began and it is where it will continue to grow until God shows us something different.  Until then we will continue the work of keeping the romance alive!

Romance and marriage are hard things.  (especially with kids) It takes work.  It takes effort.  But the more you put into your marriage, the more romance you have the more you are going to get out of it!  And trust me when I say, it is totally worth all the effort!!

My Husband used to be a pastor- Part 2

All of this is for your benefit.  And as God's grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.

2 Corinthians 4:15

This morning I noticed that I have not written in quite some time.  It is not that I do not have anything to write about, as it is quite the opposite.  The problem is that I have so much to write about and so little time to put it all on paper.  As being one who uses writing as therapy this is not a good problem to have.  It means that I am constantly walking around writing in my head leaving everything a jumbled mess. There seem to be too many stories to tell. 

Back in March, I wrote about my husband who used to be a pastor and titled it My Husband used to be a Pastor Part 1 leaving room for the rest of the story.  Who would have thought that three months would pass before I would have the opportunity to put into words the rest of the story?  God knew.  He knew what was coming.  He knew this story would only get better and I needed time to let it play out.

My husband is no longer a pastor by definition.  He is currently a corrections officer in a state prison where men are sitting on death row waiting to die.  He spends 12.25 hours a day “caring” for men who have committed heinous acts such as rape, murder, sexual abuse on children and so much more.  He works in a place where there is not a lot of God but instead of lot of worldly ugliness.   My husband spends time with men who the world has forgotten and tossed aside.  Society has given up on these men but not my husband.  He is an amazing man that way.

Over the past several years, my husband has been referred to as a great many things.  Many of those things are not pleasant things.  His character was trampled and integrity questioned. He was judged.  He was ridiculed. He was wounded and hurt.  He has taught me so much.  Through it all, he taught me that the only opinion that matters is that of God.  Only God knows the hearts, motives and actions of His children.  All other opinion need be ignored. At the end of the day, God alone will judge us.  For me, a people pleaser, this is not an easy thing to put into practice but I watch him live it out on a daily basis.  I watch him as he seeks daily after the Lord and turns to the Lord for direction. He does not ask the opinion of others but instead looks to Truth from God’s word.  He inspires me. 

That is how my husband lives his life.  When the world would condemn his choices to love the unlovable, he chooses to love anyway.  When the world would condemn his choices to help someone who has caused him so much hurt, he chooses to help anyway.  His heart is big.  His patience not always as great as his heart but in the end he does what needs to be done to show the love, grace, forgiveness and mercy to those who need to see those things lived out in a the harsh reality of this world. 

Over the past week, I have watched my husband put this all into practice.  He has extended a great deal of grace, forgiveness and love and it has blown my mind.  Upon sharing the events of what has transpired I have had the great privilege of sharing the faith that my husband and I have with those who don’t understood the choices my husband has made.  It is an amazing thing to watch the faces of those who do not understand grace and forgiveness as they see it in action.  I am so incredibly blessed!  God is using my story and my husband to share His love and grace with those around us.

I am so proud to be his wife.  I am proud to call him husband.  He is an incredible leader in our home and a mighty example in front of my children of Jesus. He may no longer be a pastor in the world of “church” but he is a walking example of who Christ called each of us to be.  He lives out the great commission!

  

My husband used to be a pastor - Part 1

I am married to an amazing man.  He is a man with a heart for people and love for the Lord.  My husband used to be a pastor.  Before we were married, he attended seminary, graduated with a masters degree and became a pastor.  He was married to someone else and living a life different from the life he lives now. That was a different time and he was a different person.

Not long ago the two of us were having a conversation about grace.  He shared with me a story about his time in seminary in which a friend of his fell into sin.  He shared that his (my husband’s) response along with responses of other friends to this friend in sin was lacking in grace.  He admitted that when it came to those “clearly in sin” his extension of grace fell short.  I knew him back in those days and though he was a “nice guy" I had a different opinion of him than I do today.  Back then my now husband could be rigid.  It felt like he was more into following a “religion” or system of rules and procedures in order to accomplish what God wanted him to do.  At the time, I had several friends with husbands in seminary and this seemed to be the general approach.  Nothing against seminary, but from what I encountered this seemed to be the trend of those in that circle.  They could be “super spiritual” while greatly lacking in the department of grace.  At the time that is how I felt about my now husband.

Religion can do that.  Religion is complicated because it becomes more about doing than trusting.  I found a quote that said, “Religion is man’s idea of God’s expectations.”  In the New Testament there were religious leaders who Jesus called vipers (Matthew 12:34) and whitewashed tombs (Matthew 23:27). They were Pharisees and were all about keeping the rules.  They had zero mercy and lacked compassion for those who chose not to follow their rules.  On top of it all, they had ungodly hearts. These men were legalistic and demanding. To them things had to be done a certain way, their way or they were not acceptable. That is a great description of religion.

Back to my husband who is now no longer a pastor and you may be asking why he is no longer a pastor. Spiritual burnout.  Several years ago, when his life began to fall apart he was “diagnosed” by his counselor with spiritual burnout and recommended by the counselor to resign from his church.  He did.  That may seem like a bold move over something that is simply called spiritual burnout. Maybe it was but it is something that is real.  It was something I had never heard of or knew anything about, so I researched it.  Spiritual burnout is a “disease” that at one time or another has probably plagued us all.  Spiritual burnout can be linked to following a religion.  It can be linked to thinking that we must “do” in order to gain God’s approval.  It is linked to having unrealistic expectations.  It is linked to unconfessed sin.  This “disease” is killing people.  Now I do not mean that people are physically dropping dead because of spiritual burnout, but I do believe that following a religion instead of investing in a relationship with Jesus Christ can eat away at us much like cancer, leaving us spiritually dead.

So how do we get this “disease?” Religion says that we have to find a way, no matter how difficult it may be, to keep the rules or we must accept the punishment.  We set unrealistic expectations upon ourselves.  We live a life trying to be perfect and attempting to do all the right things hoping for God’s approval and favor. It is a lot of exhausting work.  We seek out looking for God in an intimate way only to find that whatever religious community we are a part of is telling us that we need to “do” and “do” more of it in order to have that relationship.  We begin believing that we can only have that intimate relationship if we are good and doing all the “right things.” Religion, or legalism as it is also known, steals life. It is being overly concerned with keeping the rules and exalting those rules over a relationship with Christ. It does not nourish but instead drains us of life. When we follow “the Law” it kills, but when we follow the Spirit, we feel alive.

He has enabled us to be ministers of his new covenant. This is a covenant not of written laws, but of the Spirit. The old written covenant ends in death; but under the new covenant, the Spirit gives life.

2 Corinthians 3:6

Trying to follow a religion leaves us unbalanced and we need balance.  We do not need to spend every day of the week participating in some church activity or function and then our remaining time sitting at home reading our Bibles.  Yes, we do need time with other believers and one on one time with God, but not in excess to the exclusion of everything else, not with the wrong motivation of following a list of rules, and not to the point where we are physically drained. Religious leaders tend to lead in this way.  This is not godly.  Satan is into excess.  It is his playground. When we get to doing something too much, it consumes us and leads us to spiritual burnout. When that happens, if left unchecked, it is the perfect opportunity to backslide.  We have to know when enough is enough.  We have to know when we are practicing a religion instead of nurturing an intimate relationship with Christ.

My "other half"

I love my husband.  I love my husband more than I can express in words.  As I type those words, my eyes fill with tears from the flood of emotion.  I have never known this.  On the other side, my husband loves me.  He loves me with an intensity that too is beyond description.  It is a love that I was made to believe did not exist. Now, because of him, I am confident that it is real.

Over the years, I was given books and articles written by Christian writers debunking the myth of “Hollywood love” or true love.  I read what was written believing that settling for a relationship and not expecting to be loved, honored or cherished was the way love worked.  It was a lie.  It was a frustrating lie.  It was a lie that left me feeling empty and cold.  I became cynical and grew to accept that I did not deserve to be loved unconditionally.  I did not deserve to be honored.  I did not deserve to be desired by someone.  It left me feeling as if I did not matter.  It left me doubting God’s love.

I find it fascinating that anyone would say that true love does not exist.  It is like saying that God’s love is not real.  Clearly, in 1 Corinthians 13:4 a clear picture of love is painted.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud

or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Again, in Romans 5:8 we read "that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  Does that not sound like something that comes straight out of a Hollywood movie?  Someone giving up their life for the one they love?

I read those verses and I hear true love. I hear what I see in the movies.  Is it really a love that is too good to be true? A love that no one can live up to?  Love cannot be that perfect.  Right?!  So we are made to believe.

I found true love.  I believe it does exist.  For me, it started with finally finding security in my relationship with Christ.  It began with me allowing the walls of hurt to fall.  By allowing those walls to be removed, it gave Him the room to fill me up and take His rightful place in my life.  (You can read about that discovery here and here.) From there my heart began to heal.  It was made ready for the one who would love me the way in which God designed us to love.

On December 1, I married my soul mate.  I say that today after claiming for a very long time such a thing did not exist.  My heart had grown cold to the idea that anyone could love me in such a way.  The idea that someone could be my “other half” was a laughable notion.  After a roller coaster ride with many curves, loops and gigantic hills, I found mine.  I found the person who completes me.  As cheesy as that line many sound, it is the truth.  He is my other half.

Our love is not all about butterflies and roses all the time.  Matthew and I can argue with the best of them.  We would not be human if we did not disagree every once in a while.  It all comes back to those disagreements. Those disagreements are what balance us out.  It keeps us in check.  It is in those moments that I realize what I have with him.  In the middle of an argument, I see the love in his eyes or hear the hurt in his voice and I want nothing more than to grab hold of him and not let go.  Those moments in the middle of an argument makes me see the man I absolutely adore with every fiber of my being and no longer care if I am right or wrong.   Those special moments come because this man loves me as he is called to love me.  He loves me as Christ loves the church.

It is fascinating to discover that God’s truth is real.  When things are lined up as God has arranged them to be, everything falls into place.  Love becomes a fairy tale.  That fairy tale is made real by those moments in which my husband makes me confident of his love.  He lives out his love for me.  It is not just words.  It is not just ending a phone call with “love you.”  It is lived out on a daily basis.  He writes me and has written me countless love letters.  It is not unusual for me to get into my car and find a letter in the visor reminding me of how much he loves me. It is not unusual for him to ask me to dance in the middle of the lobby of an Olive Garden with Frank Sinatra crooning away over the speaker.  It is not unusual for my husband to sit up with me at night when my head is hurting too much to sleep even when he has to get up at four in the morning.  It is not unusual for me to find my husband staring at me with a look of love flowing from his eyes.  His love for me is perfect.  His love for me is complete. However, I know that the love he has for me comes because of his love for the Lord. The love Matthew has for me is an overflow of his relationship with Christ.  For the first time in my life, because of my husband, I get a taste of how my Father in Heaven not only sees me but how He loves me.  It is amazing.  It is a gift.  It is a blessing. 

God has a design for marriage.  Matthew and I were flipping through Song of Solomon and I realized that God loves romance.  He created romance. We read:

You have captured my heart,

    my treasure,^[c] my bride.

You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes,

    with a single jewel of your necklace.

 Your love delights me,

    my treasure, my bride.

Your love is better than wine,

    your perfume more fragrant than spices.

Your lips are as sweet as nectar, my bride.

Song of Solomon 4:9-11

What a beautifully romantic passage. How tender and sweet. Full of love.  God created those things around us that add romance to our world.  Those birds that sing love songs to one another in the trees.  He created those butterflies that dance from flower to flower.  He created the flowers that grace us every spring with color and fragrance. He created the sunrises that greet us every morning with a breath-taking splendor of color. God created romance.  It was His idea.  His creation.  And it is all because God IS love. 

My mountaintop!

I am on the mountaintop.  After many years in the valley, with too many trials to list, I have made it to the top.  Today in church, I sat and really pondered life over the last few years and realized that God has been working and preparing me for what He has in store for me next.  About five years ago, He gave me a vision.  He placed a desire in my heart.  I was ready.  I was eager.  I wanted to forge ahead and do what He wanted me to do.  Little did I know, I was not ready.  He had to prepare me.  I had a lot of growing to do.  My faith needed stretching.

After trudging through the last four years of my life, I had given up and pretty much thrown out the vision.  Holding fast to the legalistic view of those around me that I could not be used now because I'm "divorced”,  I all but gave up.  Today I realized how untrue that statement is and that God has something great in store for me.  The valley I had to go through was part of His plan for me, to prepare me for what lies ahead. I realized that there were a lot of "grace killers" in my life.  Today I decided it is time to let them go and accept grace as it is clearly given because of my relationship with Christ.  Today I am going to embrace my mountaintop. Today I am going to embrace that God has a purpose and plan for me!

God placed Matthew in my life.  He is my mountaintop.  He is my best friend. He is my blessing.  He is my gift.  Our marriage is something I did not see coming.  God gave me an incredible man who loves and honors me in a way that reflects His love and idea for marriage.  It is something that I cannot fully describe.  We have a love like I have never known and each day is better than the last.  Each day I love him more than I did the day before.  Life is amazing.  I know a joy right now that cannot be put into words.  I know it is a gift from God and for this moment, I will spend every moment soaking in every second we have together.  

God has placed me in a season of rest for now.  This is my time "to enjoy the view." This is my time to enjoy my husband and my children as well as all that He has given to me.  That is what I am going to do.  This mountaintop will not last forever.  There will be another valley and I am sure it will be coming a lot sooner than later because God has great plans for us both.  However, I know I am ready this time.  I have an amazing husband who walks with me.  The valleys do not seem as scary as they did before now that I have someone walking with me.  The vision God gave me is still very clear but now that vision feels closer to coming to fruition.  God has prepared me and has now given me a partner with the same desires to fulfill the plan He has for my life.

Thank you Matthew for your unconditional love and support. Thank You God for giving me a such an amazing gift!  I am beyond blessed!

Running Scared

Even when the way goes through

    Death Valley,

I’m not afraid

    when you walk at my side.

Your trusty shepherd’s crook

    makes me feel secure.

You serve me a six-course dinner

    right in front of my enemies.

You revive my drooping head;

    my cup brims with blessing.

Your beauty and love chase after me

    every day of my life.

I’m back home in the house of God

    for the rest of my life.

Psalm 23:4-6 The Message

The enemy is running scared.  He is attempting to dodge the darts of consequences that will come. After a year of trusting and waiting, not always patiently, God answered a prayer.  

This time last year so many things in life were up in the air.  The new year began with such uncertainty.  There were many unanswered questions.  From the outside looking in it appeared that darkness had won and the enemy took the final victory.  I will admit that at times, I felt that way but my support system was strong.  I had the constant reminder that God is in control and that He had/has a plan.   

This time last year, I specifically asked God for something.  I needed something.  From my standpoint, it was not something I could accomplish on my own as I did not have the authority or the knowledge to know how to make it happen and so I prayed.

Long story short, without the use of manipulation or lying, my prayer was answered this week.  I waited an entire year for the Lord to answer my prayer.  I trusted His sovereign hand and instead of using my own method, which truthfully would have required some form of finagling the system, I waited and He answered. 

Sitting back now as I have read my writings over the past year; it is incredible to see how God has moved in my life.  He has provided some unbelievable things.  He has removed some much-needed things and people from my life.  He has sustained me and been my strength through troubling times.  He never left my side.  It has been an amazing journey. 

My dad said it best…the enemy is running scared.  My grandmother‘s words were, you do not continue to do wrong without having to face the consequences.  The hole is only getting bigger and the best part is that I have done nothing to dig the hole for the enemy.  I have trusted God completely.  I have patiently waited on His hand to move.  The story has been written and it is finished.  In the end, everything will be ok. 

My faith is growing. What used to be worry and fear in my life has now turned into joy from learning how to trust my Heavenly Father.  His ways are so much greater and far better than ours are.  Allowing Him to move instead of manipulating and lying to get our way, we reap the abundance of His blessings and live a life full of joy and contentment.  

God IS good ALL the time! 

The end is near...

For once I’m feeling empowered and not overwhelmed.  I have endured and am waiting patiently on the Lord while trusting that His plan is perfect.  Today a long awaited prayer request was answered.  The tide is turning. The end is near.

This morning I woke up unsure of how the day would end.  As anxious thoughts flooded my mind, my sweet husband sat beside me and prayed a prayer that reminded me of WHO is in control of all things.  That God’s plan is in fact perfect.  As we made our way to our destination Philippians 4:4-7 played through my mind over and over. 

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

As the scripture replayed in my head I heard that I am to rejoice in all things. The good, the bad and the ugly. All of it!  I am to be confident that God is in control and that He is near.  Because of that confidence I have no need to be anxious about my circumstances or the outcome of my situation.  Instead of being anxious I am to submit my fears, my apprehensions, and my doubts to the Lord and allow Him to fill me with His peace. By doing so my heart and mind are then protected in Christ Jesus.  God has gone before me.  My entire situation has been written and it is finished.  God knows the outcome and so now I can sit back knowing that He has the victory.  I do not have to worry or fear what happens next because it is finished.  With that, the outcome of today was AMAZING!  It falls right in line with His plan.  How exciting.  My life has taken such an incredible turn and each day brings about more and more of His rich blessings.  Today we are still waiting but now we are waiting with anticipation to what new and exciting things are yet to come. 

God is good.  He is faithful to protect His children and to provide our every need.  I am confident in His plan and for whatever is waiting around the next corner.  What a great day!

Heartsick

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick" 

Prov. 13:12

To live a life without hope sounds incredibly scary to me.  I cannot imagine facing the hard times of life without knowing that my God is in control and is working all things out for a greater plan.  I have really been working through this lately as a friend of mine recently had a miscarriage.  Now this is not something I have ever had to endure but as a mom of five, I can begin to imagine the pain and hurt that comes with losing your precious baby.  What has been so hard to watch her deal with is the lack of hope.  She does not believe in heaven.  She believes in God but she does not profess to follow Christ.  I have watched her struggle with the hurt and anger and it has been incredibly painful because I cannot comfort her with truth.

As Christians hope plays an important role in our lives. Hope brings us comfort.  It puts our heart and minds at rest during troubling times. It is a reassurance that there is so much more to this life.  On the other hand, when our lives lack hope, we become overwhelmed with the uncertainty of what will happen next.  During the course of the past few years of my own life there were days when I felt hopeless.  I wanted to give up.  I doubted God’s goodness and presence.  It was as if I were standing at the end of a very dark tunnel with no glimpse of light in sight.  I felt trapped and my entire situation felt overwhelmingly bleak but thankfully deep inside my heart there was a small light attempting to penetrate the darkness that wanted to swallow me whole.  That small light was shining drawing me close. That small light was Christ.  He was there offering me hope and wanting me to trust Him through that dark tunnel.  He was asking me to place all of my cares down at His feet and trust Him with it all.  He became my strength when I was too tired to move ahead any further.  He became my peace when the enemy worked so hard to create turmoil within my life.  He became my comfort when the pain was too much to endure.  He WAS my light in that incredibly dark tunnel. He gave me a hope to keep on moving no matter how dark and ugly the battle became.

How does one move through hard times without hope? Without Christ?  I am so incredibly thankful that I do not have to live life without knowing. I wish I could give my friend the hope that I have but all I can do is offer her the Truth of His word and pray that God use my words to penetrate her heart so that she can see the light in her darkness. I will strive to live a life that is a reflection of His love, grace and hope. God is sovereign and He knew that I would one day be able to share my story and help someone else know Him.  He knew I would have this friend and He placed me in her path for this very season. My prayer is that I successfully live out a life that draws her to Him so that she will not have to live a life without hope.  Jesus is our hope.  Just reach out to Him and allow Him to penetrate the dark.  

"So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls."

Hebrews 6:18-19b

Saying goodbye....is never an easy thing

and saying goodbye to 2012 will be difficult.  For me, 2012 was an amazing year of growing in my faith and discovering relationships that have changed my life. I will now attempt to sum up the most important lessons I learned in 2012 through some of my favorite picture quotes..  

Here goes…

 One of the hardest things to do is to hand over all the broken pieces of your heart.  Even to God.  When you've been hurt it is hard to trust anyone including Him.  I learned though that NO ONE can fix and mend the broken things in life the way in which He does.  He truly makes all things new and SO much better!!

Letting it go.  WOW.  Letting go of the anger, the fear, the hurt, the hatred and the pain are hard things to do.  It took time and A LOT of prayer but giving it all to God has given my heart room to heal and the ability to pray and love those who have caused my children and me so much pain.  I am so much happier now that I have let it all go and given it to the ONLY One who can truly fix it!

So you pretty much have to lose it all in order to gain the best God has for us.  To truly understand what really matters and what true love looks like, He sometimes has to take things away so that we can focus our attention back on Him.  It is only then that our faith will really soar.  God knew what He was doing even when I doubted Him and felt like I had nothing.  He had great plans for me the entire time.

This is the best lesson yet!  I would have never imagined that my story would have led to the place I find myself today.  God truly knows how to surprise us with blessings that are disguised in ways that we could have never imagined.  I am in awe daily of His incredible goodness! There is nothing like finding yourself in the middle of His will and not your own!

Another important lesson I learned was to keep fighting.  When things seemed bleak and the world became dark, I found the strength to fight because of the love and grace of my Father!  There is no room for giving up when God is on your side.  

"So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us?"

Romans 8:31-32 The Message

And last but definitely not least, when God is the center of our lives, our marriages and our homes everything truly will fall into place. 

It is amazing!

Goodbye 2012!  It has been an awesome journey but I cannot wait to see what extraordinary things await us in 2013!

The Battle belongs to the Lord

One of the most common searches used when someone is led to my blog With All My Heart is the battle belongs to the Lord.  I find that interesting. It speaks to the hearts of situations that people are experiencing all around the world.  People are dealing with troubles and trials.  We all look for answers.  We want to know that someone is in our corner, fighting for what is right.  Is that not what we all want?

Trials come our way on a daily basis.  Whether big or small we are affected by each of them.  Trials shape us into the people we become but we choose which path we will follow and whether we will leave room for the Lord to fight for us.

Over the past couple of years, I really had to dive deep into this lesson.  All throughout scripture, we can read about a mighty God who has fought for His people.  How His people have beaten the odds when the odds were not in their favor.  We read about how the day was saved because people had faith in God. That is where it all begins.  Faith.

As we were getting ready for bed a few nights ago, my husband picked up his bible and began reading a passage to me from 1 Samuel 17,

David replied to the Philistine, “You come to me with sword, spear, and javelin, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of Heaven’s Armies—the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. ⁴⁶ Today the Lord will conquer you, and I will kill you and cut off your head. And then I will give the dead bodies of your men to the birds and wild animals, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel! ⁴⁷ And everyone assembled here will know that the Lord rescues his people, but not with sword and spear. This is the Lord’s battle, and he will give you to us!”

This passage has become quite significant to me over the past few years.  Back in 2007, I began praying a specific prayer.  I had already dealt with many years of pain and abuse.  I had concluded that the life I was living would be mine until the end and so I began praying that God give me the faith of Abraham.  I prayed that God would teach me in whatever way He could that I would trust Him whole-heartedly in all things.  My circumstances were not going to change and so I needed a faith that allowed me to live with my circumstances and trust God’s goodness.  I did not know what I was asking for at the time and truly, I was not prepared for the hard road that was set before me, but God knew.  He knew I had spent years praying for a person.  I spent years and years of tears and prayers that I felt went unheard.  My faith was being tested.  My circumstances began to change.

Over the next few years, God showed me that we are not robots. He gives us free will to choose where we want to go, whom we want to follow and how we choose to treat others.  My prayers had not been ignored.  God heard everyone of them but the person being prayed for made their own choices. Things crumbled and fell apart. The battle began.

I spent several years wrestling with God.  I could not understand how He could allow the bad things that were happening in my life to happen.  Why was He not protecting my children and me?  Why were the walls falling down upon us?  We were being crushed.  Or so I thought. 

God’s timing is perfect.  His plan is sovereign.  He sees the beginning all the way to the end and all things have happened according to what will ultimately bring Him glory.  I knew God was/is fighting for me.  I knew that He wanted His best for my children and me but I was trying to hold on too tightly to my circumstances.  I was afraid to let go.  My faith was weak and I was scared.  I remember reading the words from 1 Samuel back in 2010 and thinking, I want what David had.  I want to know that my God has already won the battle so that I can have the confidence to endure the fight.  Oh, the prayers we pray.  God will most assuredly give us what we ask for but we had better be certain that we know what we are asking for because following Christ is not always easy.

It is December 27, 2012 and I have learned that in order for God to have my battle, I have to place it in His hands.  I have to trust Him to fight for me.  I cannot question my circumstances but instead trust that He is working all things, all events, and all circumstances for His good so that His name will be honored in the end.  God ultimately will have the victory but that victory will not come until we give over to Him all of our troubles and doubts.  As long as we keep wrestling with Him, the outcome of our story will not end.  We will continue to live in a constant state of turmoil where our lives are controlled by doubt and uncertainty. 

I am confident that 2013 is going to be a very different year for my family and me.  We have held fast to truth.  We have worked toward being what God has called us to be even when others would try to shoot us down.  God is up to something incredible in my life and has already begun an amazing work.  Now it is time to sit back and know with confidence that…

“You come to me with sword, spear, and javelin, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of Heaven’s Armies—the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied.

This is the Lord’s battle, and he will give you to us!”

1 Samuel 17:45,47b