Restless: Going, Going, GONE!

Artwork by Gabby

I’m supposed to be writing an essay right now.  My hubby will laugh when he reads this because I’ve been putting off this week the start of said essay.  I promise this post is not an attempt at procrastination but instead will lead to the great creativity needed to produce said essay.  

My mind on overdrive has left me lost in thought and dwelling on the greatest of my God.  He overwhelms me. Daily.

For over a year I was restless.  I woke up each day wondering what was next for me.  I had lost my sense of purpose but had to find it.  

For months my poor husband listened as I shared every idea that popped into my head.  

Maybe we are supposed to lead a small group?  Or plant a church? Are we supposed to move away? How about start a business? 

I was sure God had something planned but what? Frustration consumed me. Irritated and cranky described me.  I needed a purpose.

“Just ask and it will be given to you; seek after it and you will find.  Continue to knock and the door will be opened for you.”  

Matthew 7:7

What a concept.  Just ask.  Jesus taught if we ask, He’ll direct us.  I needed His direction.   I could run a million ideas by my hubby but until I asked the One who holds my life in His hands I wouldn’t find an answer.  So I did.

In my past life church work and motherhood consumed the hours of my days.  Each week responsibilities and activities filled my calendar.  I kept busy.  I felt I had purpose  because I kept busy. A busy life distracted me from my mess of a life back then.  It worked.  Until it fell apart.

As I left my old life, drama surrounded me.  Scary things constantly happening.  Each day waking with unknown evil lurking around the corner.  My days filled with worry.  Worry distracted me.  It worked.  Until God redeemed, restored, and gave my life a new purpose.

Which brings me to today.  A year spent in a restless state of wonder.  What did God want from me? What was the next step?  

I can honestly answer I still have no idea.  But I made the choice to approach my questions a different way.  I made the choice and said, Here am I.  Use me.   As I sought after His plan for me, doors opened.  Lots of doors bringing healing, purpose and excitement to my life.  The restlessness disappeared.

I once wore the hats of Jesus follower and mom.  I now wear the hats of Jesus follower, wife, mom, part-time nanny, college student, team ministry member and small group leader.  Can I tell you those last four hats came together at the same time.  God opened those doors all at once and instantly filled the restlessness that has consumed me for so long.  

With each new hat brings new ways to share Him and my part of His story.  Opportunities to see that everything I went through had purpose.  

God is amazing!  He works behind the scenes doing things unknown to us but using us at the same time.  

A few months ago my husband and I agreed to lead a small group in our home.  Who would come?  I had no idea.  But I sensed God leading and saying yes was the only choice.  And by saying yes, it made that line from the movie Field of Dreams, “If you build it he will come” idea true.   

By saying yes God brought the families.  He put together something so wonderful.  As I sat in my living room last night looking at the new faces He has now placed in my life, His goodness overwhelmed me once again.  

So now I understand. Just ask. Seek after it.  He will open the door.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord...plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

The Day Ruby Died

It was a cool Friday afternoon.  Ruby had been giving me trouble for weeks.  Her get up and go was ready to give in and let go.  I found myself in a bit of a situation.

Ruby had been a part of my life for four years.  She journeyed with me through a dark and scary time in my life.  She served as the first thing that was “mine” when my previous life fell apart. In my eyes, Ruby meant a new start.  

We faced several scary times together but we also shared a LOT of happy moments.  She carried my babies and me on many memorable road trips and protected me from the attack of a huge buck that believed the road belonged to him.  We faced a lot together.

Then it happened.  A week before Thanksgiving she began to deteriorate.  The time had come to trade her in. The thoughts of letting go was tough.  My symbol of freedom.

Ruby and My Sweet Baby Girl

The day had come to find a replacement for Ruby.  I had spent hours upon hours looking for something new but nothing compared.  So much to live up to and not easily replaced.  

Anyone who knows me knows I spent years proclaiming never to drive a minivan.  EVER.  A minivan symbolized something I did not want to be.  I’m not exactly sure what but it had something to do with my identity.  

In my previous life I lacked self confidence.  I  never felt pretty, smart or strong or even good enough for anyone.  In my previous life, my car gave me a boost of self confidence.  Typically I drove large SUVs that made me feel in control of my life and safe.  They gave me courage. Sounds silly right? Trust me, it does.  But I am going for total transparency. Hang in there.  

Back in the day, I didn’t know who I was other than someones wife, mother or child.  I had no identity. It belonged to everyone else.  I lived in a constant state of being who everyone else thought I should be and it was a lot of hard work.  I could never keep up with the expectations upon me which left me in a constant state of feeling like I failed.  It was a horrible way to live life as I forced a smile and made people believe the best. It was exhausting.

Amazing how a few years of rough waters and a beautiful red car can change your world.  

I spent several years living in a dark world constantly under attack.  It was awesome!  I can say that now because now I know how to fight and I know who I am.  

While fighting my way through those rough waters I met a man. He came out in the middle of my storm and joined in my battle. As He fought through the storm with me, He gave me courage and hope by taking over when I no longer had the will to fight.  He fought for me as if I were the most important person in the world to Him. His love and compassion wrapped me in warmth when the fear of the battle overtook my heart. He breathed life into my soul in a way I have never experienced and reminded me who I was. I belonged to Him.  I was the daughter of The King. He reminded me of my beauty and worth and called me His own with a smile on His face.  Throughout my storm, Jesus never left my side.  I fell in love.  I became His and my identity changed.

It is an incredible thing when we finally discover our true worth.  Our eyes are opened to a whole new world and the discovery process is exciting.  The way I see the world now is different.  I no longer see “things” as what defines me.  Things I do or have done no longer impact the image I have of myself.  

At the end of my storm, another man walked into my life. He came with a heart full of love and asked me to be his.  I was hesitant as I  struggled with the idea of a man loving me like my Jesus loved me. I struggled with whether I was “good enough” for the man standing in front of me.  

But the reminder came that God had a plan for my life.  He had worked over the course of my storm to show me who I was in Him.  I was His. He reminded me that His love alone was the only love I needed. He had my best in mind and as long as I trusted Him and lived a surrendered life, life with this man would be a good life.

I wake up every day with a new confidence.  A confidence that comes from an identity that is found in the One who gave His life for me.  Knowing I am loved and adored by the Creator of the Universe has given my life purpose and true meaning.  On top of it all I am married to a man who adores me.  He reminds me a million times a day in so many ways of his love and because of that I glow.  

Ruby is gone. Replaced by something new.  The old has gone as God has begun a new work.  

Oh... and that minivan I said I would never drive….NeVeR tell God Never :-)

Therefore, if anyone is united with the Anointed One, that person is a new creation.  The old life is gone-and see-a new life has begun!

2 Corinthians 5:17

A New Identity, A Pair of Broken Wings and One Great Hope

Seven years ago, writing became a big part of my life.  I did not know the purpose or reason at the time but God did.  He was aware of my impending storm and prepared me for the road ahead.  

If you have never dealt with divorce, it is hard to understand the emotions involved and even harder to relate.  There is so much pain from feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, feelings of betrayal, fear and hurt that never seem to end.  For me, except for my parents and siblings as well a dear friend who lived two minutes from my home, I was alone. My church, my closest friends and my extended family abandoned me.  At a time when love and support were needed, I found none. It was not only lonely but scary.

After the trials and storms, He has given me a place and a purpose to be for others what I did not have. By sharing His love, His grace and His hope, I can help women who are not just suffering from the loss of their marriage but struggling to find their "new" identity.

Throughout the last few years I have encountered many women whose experiences were much like mine.  Recognizing their pain and being aware of how much it happens, leaves me with a great desire to offer encouragement to those hurting.  I want them to know they are not alone and they have a great HOPE.

Several months ago, I commented on a Facebook post of a friend. That same day I received a friend request from someone I did not know who had also left a comment.  Because we had several mutual friends I accepted and God began a work. Little did I know the way in which He was working, orchestrating a new journey for me.  

As I visited the profile of my new friend, I discovered that my beautiful new friend Megan and her husband are part of an incredible ministry, Give Her Wings.   While reading about this ministry, their mission and purpose left me overcome with gratitude. The mission:  Helping to give specific mothers who have left abusive situations a chance to get on their feet...to breathe...to heal their broken wings and fly free again.   Being one who understands and is passionate to serve those women who are left to start over, I wanted to help.  I wanted to do what they were doing but I was only one person. I didn’t even know how to start such an undertaking.

Time passed but the feelings grew stronger. It took time for me to recognize the nudging of the Holy Spirit to contact Megan.  I didn’t know what to say but began by sharing my story and desire to be a part of this amazing work God was doing through them. Much to my surprise my message was met with such encouragement.  God opened doors and made it clear that this ministry, Give Her Wings, was where He wanted me.  

Less than a month ago I received a special gift in the mail that touched my heart. Megan has written an amazing book also titled Give Her Wings.  This incredible book brought so much healing as the words spoke such truth and love as well as encouragement. It was filled with clarity, compassion and hope and helped to free me from the struggle of guilt I often experience. It is a great resource filled with practical advice for mamas searching for answers in what can be such a dark journey while giving excellent and much needed advice and wisdom to those walking alongside those dealing with abuse. It is a much needed resource for an area that is greatly lacking in many churches and one every pastor should read. To learn more about her book or to pick up a copy for yourself, click here.

So if you have made it this far into this post I have something for you to consider.  Right now as you are reading, someone’s name has probably come to mind. Someone in your life is dealing with a struggling marriage or with abuse.  With that said, I would like to ask something of you because there is something you can do.

First, you can pray. Whoever God has placed on your heart, say a prayer. You don't need details because God knows. Realizing the struggle is more than enough.  It simply takes a minute to pray. Mamas and their babies (even the husbands) who are dealing with this battle need to be covered in prayer. These families need to be loved on and shown that they are not alone.  And we can intercede on their behalf by lifting them up in prayer.  

My second request is for you to visit the website Give Her Wings. The purpose of Give Her Wings is to raise gifts and money for mothers who have left abusive situations. Oftentimes, when a woman leaves an abusive marriage, she narrowly escapes with little more than her children and the clothes on her back. Give Her Wings desires to do all they can to help specific mothers who are living in very poor conditions presently.  Once there you can read more about the ministry as well blog posts and updates on mamas who have been helped. There is also a place to donate and support the ministry as well as nominate a mama you may know who needs help.  

There is so much hurting in our world.  So many people left without hope. People need to be reminded of our mighty God who loves and longs to walk alongside them through the darkest storms in life.  To know that we, the Church, are here to love and walk with them. We need to be the light. We need to be on mission.  We are called to care for those around us who are hurting and in need.

Help me take the first step in making a difference. Visit GiveHerWings.com and see what part you can play in making a difference in the lives of those who need our help to heal their broken wings and fly free again.  Thank you in advance for your help as we make a difference in a world that often can be dark.

Can I go anywhere apart from you Spirit?

Is there anywhere I can go to escape Your watchful presence?

If I go up into Heaven, You are there.

If I make my bed in the realm of the dead, You are there.

If I ride on the wings of morning,

if I make my home in the most isolated part of the ocean,

Even then You will be there to guide me;

Your right hand will embrace me, for You are always there.

Even if I am afraid and think to myself, “There is no doubt that the darkness will swallow me,

the light around me will soon be turned night,”

You can see in the dark, for it is not dark to Your eyes.

For You the night is just as bright as the day.

Darkness and light are the same to Your eyes.

Psalm 139:7-12