Trying to decipher God’s will has left me confused more times than not. Bringing God glory is my purpose but is there a plan as well? A road map I am to follow? Specific things He wants me to do? A way in which He wants to use me? If so, I have screwed it up. I want nothing more than to bring Him glory. I crave it with the entirety of my being. But sometimes, for the life of me, I cannot figure out what it entails.
Looking back over the last five years I have confidence God is going to use my battles for something. Visions. I have visions of things to come. I know that may sound weird or freaky to those who are reading this but I have them. God gives me a small glimpse every now and then of something He has for me. Just enough to keep me focused on the road ahead. I am restless. I know He has something out there for me and I am ready to move ahead and do whatever, and I mean WHATEVER, He wants me to do. But what? I ask. I pray. I continue to wait.
I know waiting. I have experienced waiting over the last five years. I know what it means to want something so much you can taste it but having to wait until the perfect moment for it to be yours. That moment when you’re ready to receive it and He places it in your hands. The moment the waiting ends. I’ve been there too. So waiting, I get.
Back to the tightrope. Tears flood my eyes as I envision the tightrope. The burden of the tightrope effect has left me crippled for far too long. As I heard the words, God's will is not a tightrope, a humongous weight fell off my shoulders. There are days when I realize that I am still held prisoner by the chains of legalism. Too many years spent chained to a religion has made it hard to grasp parts of the Bible. It has made it difficult to understand God. Add to it the scandal of divorce and I am left struggling to walk the tightrope of God’s will. I feel defeated every day. So the realization that God’s will consists of more than walking “from point A to point B” is inspiring. My pastor said God's will is like a freeway. There are different lanes, with many choices along the way. Good and bad choices. Decisions we have to make. Yes poor choices lead us in the wrong direction but they do not negate us from being in God’s will altogether. Do you understand how freeing that is?
Romans 11:36 says, “For all that exists originates in Him, comes through Him, and is moving toward Him; so give Him the glory forever. Amen.” What do I take away from that verse? I am God’s creation. He created me for His glory. My purpose in this life is to bring Him glory through the life I live. To me, it means that in every choice I make, I need to seek after Him. Follow Him. When I have a choice to make, I turn to Him and choosing to follow Him in obedience brings Him glory. Yes I will fall. Yes I will make wrong turns. But He will redirect my steps when I seek and ask for direction.
Was God’s plan for me to end up divorced? NO. I am fully aware God’s hand was not in my divorce. However God’s hand was on me as I trudged through the battle and trusted Him throughout everything I experienced. He was there. He is still here. It was through those battles that I recognized His voice for the first time. Experienced His presence. It was in the loneliness of being cast aside by friends and family that I found Him. Though my marriage was ending, my relationship with Jesus did not. Instead it became more real. More intimate. I craved Him because I was desperate to hear His voice and sense His presence and He made Himself known.
Something else my pastor said that I love, “You will never accidentally hear God’s voice.” That is so true. In the midst of pain and the darkness of battle, His presence, His voice is not an accident. It is in those moments when you are searching for Him that you will find Him. Searching through scripture, through music looking for His wisdom and direction is when it happens. It is when you are in the trenches of a fierce battle and become so desperate for His help that you recognize His voice above the noise. You realize that you cannot take another step on your own and you call out to Him and He answers. You fall into His arms. And you know what? He catches you. He catches and grabs a hold of you. You finally recognize His voice and experience His peace. The noise of the world falls away and you hear Him call your name. And you know He has you. He has your situation and is there. Everything changes.
Freedom in Christ is something I am experiencing and understanding more and more every day as I follow Him. His grace is enormous. It is more than I can comprehend. But so is His will for my life. His plan. He has given me this life. He allows me new breath every day. With it, I am to live a life that aligns with His character which brings Him glory. My mind is blown. I am overwhelmed with the idea that my entire life is not ruined (For God’s purpose) by one wrong turn
So now God I am ready. I have been restless for so long. But now I understand. SO many feelings of unworthiness from not walking the tightrope perfectly. Thinking I had to DO something to get back into Your good graces. So misled by the enemy. Distracted by so much untruth. But I get it. I asked and You answered. Oh how I crave You. I crave to live my life for You. Here I am. I am ready. Tell me where to go.
You may be reading this and wondering what in the world? Where is she going with this post? If you are, this post isn’t for you. This post is for those who have been where I have been. This is for those who have made those wrong turns and been left to feel that God no longer has a place or purpose for you in His plan. His will is more than a tightrope. He can take those wrong turns, those falls, those horrible choices and restore what has been broken. Your messed up story is His opportunity to bring glory to His name by making you shine as His grace covers your broken pieces. Just ask Him.
Thank you Pastor Jimmy for pointing me towards Jesus!
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