Yesterday I gave my two weeks notice. I gave up the fight and surrendered to what I knew God was placing on my heart. I am now anxious. I am not going to lie about it. For a while now my husband and I have gone back and forth about me resigning. He was confident, I was not. I kept praying. God kept answering. I chose to ignore Him.
Here is what I do not understand about me. I have taken so many steps of faith throughout the past few years so why is this one so hard? I have seen God do amazing things. In 2011, God made it very clear that I was to trudge ahead in the battle for custody of my children without an attorney. I heard Him clearly and knew what I had to do. I fought against those who told me I was doing the wrong thing. I held my ground and I trusted the Lord wholeheartedly. I walked out of a court battle knowing I had done what I needed to do and given God complete control. I had total faith even when I thought I had lost I knew He was in control. That battle was huge but I did not doubt His provision. Not once. Two years later, I am a walking billboard to the promises of a mighty God. I know He takes care and provides for His children. I am confident! So why can I not trust Him with this small thing? Why am I afraid to walk away from my small part time job? Why do I think that somehow He will not provide? I want to smack myself around a little. Tell myself to wake up. Remind myself that when we walk in obedience He blesses our obedience.
As I read Crazy Love again I am reminded of how small I am in the grand scheme of things. I am reminded yet again that my life is but a mere vapor. That for what small amount of time I am here my only purpose is to serve and glorify God. My life purpose is to glorify a Holy God. I tossed that around in my head for a while. How exactly do I do that?
I have been through so much yet every step of the way I have seen God make way. In every choice to step out on faith and follow Him, He has blessed my obedience. Has it always happened the moment I wanted it to happen? NO. Not even close. Instead, I have learned patience but most importantly, I have learned how to trust Him. He has promised me His provision and He has followed through every time in His time. Here is where I now ask myself do I continue to live each day worried about everything? In doing so how will my worrying bring any type of glory to God? Philippians4:4-7 reminds me that I am to be anxious about nothing but to rejoice in the Lord always. Not just when things are good but when things are just downright crappy as well. No matter what is happening I AM TO REJOICE! This is not a debatable thing. This is what scripture tells me to do. In 1 John4:18, I read that there is no fear in love. That perfect love casts out fear and in knowing that God’s love for me is perfect then I have NO right whatsoever to be fearful. WHY? Because HE LOVES ME!
So to wrap it all up I turn to truth. Yesterday after giving my letter to my manager, I noticed I had a voicemail from my husband. As I took a moment to listen, my heart found a moment of peace. His voicemail told me to turn to Numbers 23:19 (which happened to be the verse he was praying for me that day from the wedding gift he gave to me). As I pulled up the Bible app on my phone, I read
"God isn’t a mere man. He can’t lie. He isn’t a human being. He doesn’t change his mind. He speaks, and then He acts. He makes a promise and then He keeps it."
God knew on June 17, 2013 I would hand over my resignation letter. He knows my fears. He knows my heart. God knew that on December 1, 2012 my husband would hand me a calendar filled with scriptures that he committed to praying over me throughout the first year of our marriage. God knew that on that day (yesterday) I would need that verse as a reminder of who He is in my life. HE is MY PROVIDER. He is unlike those in my life who have repeatedly broken promises. HE is God. He cannot lie. When He makes a promise, He is true to His word. As I let that sink in and I meditate on the truth of who HE is, I am left confident that stepping out on faith and trusting His word is truly a way in which I can bring glory to Him. Now I am going to take a step back, grab hold of His hand and let Him lead me once again. I am now eager to see where this journey is going to take me with the great hope of bringing Him glory along the way.